Slam goes the door, as I hear the life rattling scream "I hate you dad". This is the result I've had at times. Mainly because I did not listen and tried to solve a problem to fast.
Catching my teenagers heart and ears is an endeavor that has taken a lot work for me as a Dad. Let us be honest, how many people have got communication with a teen to a really effective level.

Four children, two of each gender have worked hard to teach me how to be a successful father . I was a slow learner. However, I think a lot of good stuff finally sunk in. The first major lesson was to learn to listen a great deal longer then I thought I could, I sometimes still wrestle with this concept. Teens in particular jumble their words and a few words can mean something different then they first appear to mean. Like one says Dad "I hate school". This means today something really bad happened at school and my whole view of school has gone down far below the normal dislike. At this point just the right thing to say pops in my head. Suddenly warning signs flash in my head "Wrong Answer". I realize I am going to fast and about to head into the teen bite your head off scenario. Know Instead I'll ask a gentle general probing question like "how bad was it today at school". Knowing I'll get a vague answer like "it was horrible". At this point the only workable thing to do is have empathy. So I say, "like wow, I am sorry you had such a bad day". As you see from my reply I am trying to not to ask the obvious specific question. I am headed in that direction to eventually find out what the bad thing or things that happened are. It is definitely a developing art. There are know clear formulas that work all the time. We have to listen to our teens like a bird watcher quietly, gently moves closer to hear a rare bird. You have to listen on many different occasions and different levels in order to understand your rare individual child. Now once we have found the real problem we deal with it first and avoid the big issue of I hate school. We might say you want me to pack you a treat for school tomorrow. At this point just be glad the real problem is dealt with and act as if you know and are happy about their decision to go to school tomorrow. It is called believing the best about your teen and placing that believe into the heart.

The second area of listening is more in the realm of positive listening. No problems to solve just finding out ways to bring your teen into relational proximity. In other words a caring relationship where they actually hear what you say. One way to do this is make a list of things they like now. Like coffee, computers, hats, baseball cards,organic food whatever. Just find out everything they have interest in and listen for updates. From this list do your down to earth ground work. If my teen likes organic food than I am taking my teen on a special fun trip where they pick what ever they want. And I have learned to make clear the budget before I leave. While shopping I listen carefully to there opinion with an attitude of learning from them. We teach best by example. If it is truly something their interested in then there will be something that we can thank them for. Your appreciation for their opinion will go along way. Remember they are really young adults and they yearn for recognition. They know you love them; but , they do not know if you can or will develop any respect or appreciation for them. Enjoy your journey as you adventure out into the vast landscape of the teenage heart.
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R.C.

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