by Leah Yniguez

Created on: October 02, 2007

Becoming a single parent is usually not the way you planned on raising kids. But, life does not always go as planned and we always find ways to adjust. Confidence is needed to get through life, to become responsible for getting another through life, and especially for doing it alone. If we are not confident as parents, our children will sense this and insecurities will have room to grow.

For me being alone in the world, without a partner has always been scary. Our deepest need as humans is to have companionship. But over the years I have learned being alone has many benefits, too, the biggest being getting to know yourself and learning to find companionship and support elsewhere.

I have quickly learned the great gift of being able to ask for help, for it absolutely does take a community to raise a child. Being a parent is the biggest part but there are many small things for children to learn from having relationships with other people. Friends, relatives, sports and activities are also a large part of their world, so be confident that you cannot and should not and probably are not doing it completely alone, even if you are the sole parent.

Taking care of me, as well as my children has always been high on my list of priorities. I notice when I am burned out or impatient and am not afraid to tell them when I am feeling this way and find a way to take a break, or give myself a small reward of some kind. Sometimes we need to remember to remove ourselves from situations that are overwhelming to us so we may gather our strength (and confidence) to go back into the situation with full gusto. Sometimes, I need to be creative because it may not be realistic to get on the next plane and go away on a luxurious vacation. So, for the time being I will ask for a time out and take a bubble bath with candles and a good book, or talk to a friend on the phone, and dream of the day I will take that luxurious vacation.

Just the fact that you and your children are okay and you are a single parent (weather it has been a week or years) should give you the confidence to go on. Look around and find other single parents to inspire you. Remember the best things in life are not always easy and as you go along you will be more and more able to look back and be proud of yourself. Be proud of the little things and forgive yourself a lot, because chances are your kids are clean and fed and loved and you are doing the best you can. Be thankful you are not in a place of weakness setting a bad example of a relationship like a lot of real "families" probably are.

Find ways to be happy and have fun together and imagine how bonded and how grateful your children will be to you when they grow up and look back (don't expect it to happen now, they are unable to comprehend). Don't stop asking for help or be afraid to ask for a time out, and find every opportunity to pat yourself on the back. It is not and will not be easy but where there's a will there's a way, especially when it comes to loving our children, alone or not.

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