Romanticizing the Ex

There are many of you who romanticize your exes. Even I have been guilty of doing so. Instead of seeing this particular ex as just a man with flaws, I see him as a golden Adonis that I don't think I'll ever be good enough for. I've spent a significant amount of time trying to figure out why I find him so alluring that I turn a blind eye to his flaws.

Obviously in my more rational moments, when the heaviness in my heart lifts, I realize the ex is just a man. He is not perfect. He is not too good for me. Yet I don't see him this way. His positive qualities: thoughtfulness, playfulness, acceptance, humor, are merely that, qualities. They do not morph him into an immortal, winged god on high. Logically I realize this, but on a very instinctual level, my reaction to him will always be that of a child wanting to touch an angel, but not being able to fly up to his level.

He has hurt me, but I defend his actions with his ignorance. I defend his cad-like demeanor with loneliness and pain and a nobility that he, in all likelihood, does not possess. I glorify him to the point that I have often felt that I have committed all the wrong-doing, that I messed it up, when in fact he is just as guilty, if not more so, than I. All I did was love him. All he did was lie.

Yet in knowing all these things, I still wish to be the one he chose.

I imagine a future with him as a series of disappointments that I'll pretend not to feel. I imagine a future with him as a question of his loyalty, his fidelity, his genuine interest in me. And I know I should feel worth more than that. I know I should not be so willing to play the role of the vapid female who is subconsciously aware of the very humanness of her mate, but verbally testifying to his perfection. I know I should not be so willing, but even knowing what he's done, who he is, how much it hurts to be so easily toyed with, I still deliberately choose to overlook those and pretend that it's a brilliantly shining star I see. Because I want him to be so badly what I thought he was that I just pretend NOT to see the truth. He's still on his pedestal and I'm still kneeling down here.

Learn more about this author, Sonia Ordoyne.
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