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Walls

I was born without a wall. Ah, how beautiful would life have been if I could have stayed that way, but life and people are often cruel.

Once upon a time, my sensitive soul couldn't handle it. So I started the foundations of my wall. I laid a solid, red brick every time a word stung my ear, an insult slapped my face, or an eye overlooked me. I tried hard to please others, but my efforts were for naught. And I laid a brick every time I cried for others to notice and show gratitude for a little girl who went unnoticed. And I learned the great game of pretend as I hid behind the buds of my wall and faked ambivalence to the disregard of others.

The years went by. I added bricks every time the rain fell and rested when the sun shone. But regardless of the bouts of sunshine, there was always rain. And by the time I reached adulthood, that wall was large enough to deflect the majority of curious onlookers.

It's a rare person who sees a wall, accepts the challenge, and invests the time in removing the wall. Those rare gems flitted in and out of my life, always making their mark, but never staying long enough to see the wall come down and enjoy the rewards of their labor.

Then someone came, who took a bulldozer to that wall, and made his home behind the rubble that was left of my defense. He nested there and for a while it felt like home. I welcomed him. I showed him where everything was, and I shared every part of it with him. I wanted him to feel comfortable there.

His comfort soon became my discomfort. He was abusing the carefully crafted sanctuary that I had created. What had once been mine, then briefly ours, now became his. My opinions no longer mattered, my thoughts no longer mattered, and my body and will were to weak with fear, love, and despair to try and reclaim the prize. So he ruled the roost while I shared the space, lurking in the shadows while he basked in the sun. And I festered in the shadows while he blossomed.

I had neither the strength or will to evict him, but I couldn't continue to go unprotected, so I began to rebuild my wall. One brick at a time, I put the wall back, but instead of putting it on the outside, I built it in the center of myself.

There was nothing to block his exit when he decided to leave. He didn't want to cross my new wall, so instead he left. And I was left with a half built barrier that couldn't protect me from the pain of his betrayal. So instead of adding to the wall that split myself, I built the outer one again. It became my new focus. I had to keep him out. I had to build that wall so high and so strong that he could NEVER get in again. Little did I know that was a complete waste of time. The one person it was meant to keep out, never even bothered to try and scale it, and in the process I deterred many more desirable boarders instead.

A couple of years after he left, I finally completed demotion of that inner wall. A few years after he left, that outside wall has been broken down substantially. For anyone who wants to make the effort, they'll find it fairly easy to climb over those insubstantial clumps of crushed red brick and find their way in. And I welcome them, because I don't want to hide myself behind the wall anymore. NEVER again. I would rather suffer the pain because at least then I'll know I'm alive.

Learn more about this author, Sonia Ordoyne.
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