I often hear horror stories from my friends about how their parents have monitored every cell phone call and text, refused to let them drive, or even in some cases, taken away their bedroom door. Maybe to some of you this seems like normal and effective parenting, but to your teen, it can seem like a nightmare come true.

Adolescence is a very confusing time for both the parent and the child. About two years ago, I got a drivers license, a car, and a job all in the same weekend. All of a sudden, I was coming home at eleven o clock at night, and was hanging at friends houses I'd never hung out at before. The sudden change in lifestyle was very traumatic for my parents. They felt extremely out of control, and their deep, parental urges (like the ones I'm sure you all feel now) were screaming at them telling them to keep control of me. They attempted, but ultimately failed.

The complaint we teens have about privacy, believe it or not, is not the lack of it, but that we feel like parents want to control us. All our lives you guys have been responsible for our safety and health, and that gives you a great deal of control. You could tell us not to play over by the swamp, or watch us as we play baseball in the street. You could even monitor who our friends were, telling us that we couldn't play over at Jimmy's house anymore because his dad was an alcoholic. When the teenage years suddenly hit us, we start to become more autonomic. If you tell us not to do something than we're going to do it anyway, sometimes only because you told us not to. When a teen says they want more privacy, they actually mean they want more control. We don't care at all how much you know about us, we just want to feel like we're in the drivers seat. If you feel your teen start to pull away a little, let them. Nothing can be more stressful on the parent and the teen than a power struggle over the teens life. I've seen my friends relationships with their parents get torn apart because their parents simply don't want to give up the control. A nine o clock curfew isn't as important as your teens trust. If your teen views you as a power hungry adult trying to take over their life (which they will view you as if you don't give up some very small liberties) than they'll take control over something else.

When my parents tried to remain in control, I simply stopped talking to them. I took control of my life by keeping everything that was going on with me in school, and with my friends a secret. My parents stopped knowing who I was. If they were going to stay in control of what I did, and with who I did it, than I was going to stay in control of everything else. I didn't tell them when I got a girlfriend, or when I did well on a test, or had a soccer game, and they ended up missing out on a lot. If this sounds like what your going through with your teen, then it might be time to let up a little. Give them some breathing room.

In a world that is rapidly becoming more complex and fast-paced, teens need a little space for themselves. I suppose my greatest piece of advice would be to pick your battles. Its one thing if your teen is coming home at two o clock every night, but another when they want to hang out with friends after school. Let loose on the reins a little, the more control you try to keep, the more privacy your teen feels they need.

Learn more about this author, David Dickson.
Click here to send this author comments or questions.

---

Add your voice

Know something about Understanding teens increasing need for privacy?
We want to hear your view. Write now!