18 of 37

Superman

Write now Article Tools

It's amazing how often this question comes up, over the years, and there's a lot of good points made on either side.

First, let us sum up the two combatants. In the red, blue and yellow corner, we have an alien with just about super-everything. Super intelligence, super speed, super strength, invulnerability, and flight. You know that phrase 'if looks could kill'? His looks can kill. This is a guy with super breath. Super /breath/. He can actually incapacitate an opponent by exhaling. Known vulnerabilities? Kryptonite, and magic. By this criteria, we know who'd win in a fight between Superman and Penn and Teller, of course.

In the opposite, rather shadowy corner, we have an average guy. An average guy who happens to be a millionaire playboy, admittedly. Oh, and is in the peak of physical condition. And who, following a traumatic childhood incident, has the compulsive urge to dress up as a bat and terrorise criminals. Thank goodness this happened decades ago. A modern childhood Bruce Wayne would no doubt retreat to his bedroom, paint the walls black, listen to Staind, and we would see the birth of Emo-man. But no, back in the good old days, your angst was expressed by designing an odd costume and dedicating yourself to thwarting evildoers.

But I digress.

Batman also brings to the ring a stunning array of gadgets, weapons, and assorted other technological goodies. Vehicles, batarangs, gas capsules, and a utility belt with TARDIS-like qualities. If he fished a stepladder out of this, no-one would bat (no pun intended) an eyelid. It would be called 'the bat-ladder', naturally.

So. At first, this would look like a rather uneven match. An indestructible extraterrestrial against an angry man in a cowl. But Batman is sneaky. Batman is cunning. Batman would /prepare/ for this encounter. Batman would, if you like, cheat.

Kryptonite. Fragments of Superman's homeworld, contact with which renders him helpless. You'd expect this to be a fairly rare element, given that Superman came from a distant star, but it seems like every supervillan for the past fifty years has had a couple of hundred tons of it stashed away and ready to use. No doubt when you join the evil genius union, you're given a discount on bulk purchases. I suspect wal-mart do a 'buy one, get one free' deal. In short, it's incredibly common, and probably has the equivalent market value of, say, silicon. Or water.

Batman would enter the fray absolutely loaded to the gills with this stuff. Kryptonite batarangs, kryptonian-repellent bat spray, kryptonite bat nipple-rings. The match would be over in seconds.

So why am I backing Superman to win? Because he has a secret weapon, too. By day, he's a mild mannered, stupendously powerful alien, who wouldn't even stay dead when he was pounded into a bloody pulp. But by night... he's a journalist.

All it would take to win is for Clark Kent to write an expose about a week before the match, revealing that Batman is none other than Bruce Wayne. And that ward of his? That's Robin. And haven't you wondered exactly how /close/ the two of them are? Strike you as a bit odd? We're /sure/ there's nothing to it. We know Batman's a little odd, but surely training a young boy in gymnastics and escapology and then running around town in skintight costumes is perfectly innocent?

This is the stuff tabloid journalism thrives upon. We've /all/ been thinking it for years and years, but putting the scandal in print would have social services descending on the Wayne mansion in droves, Robin put into foster care, and Bruce being banged up in the slammer. So to speak.

Superman would win by default, with his super-Media powers.

Learn more about this author, Dave Simmons.
Click here to send this author comments or questions.

Add your voice

Know something about Who would win in a fight: Superman or Batman??
We want to hear your view. Write now!