I feel like the worst thing I could do is to fail the Lord, and that's just what I've done. When I lost my mother three days ago, everything fell apart. The whole family did not handle it well at all.

I try to live as a good Christian, because I am a Christian, and I blew it. I got right in the middle of an argument that makes no sense now. My mother was lying there with a look of total peace that I hadn't seen in so many years. But instead of seeing her peace, we saw her gone.

I have ask myself , why did I react the way I did? I was tired for one thing. Not that that was an excuse. I had very little sleep in 48 hours at the hospital. It was hard watching her slowly die for four days. But I thought I had a little more control than that. Apparently not.

I was so mad at myself for being a part of it. I have ask my Father for His forgiveness, but I can't forgive myself for acting that way. That's not who I am. At least, not normally.

I know it's vital to forgive, but I am really having a struggle with this. I have a lot of anger issues that I honestly don't know how to handle. I have prayed to the Father, but I still feel the guilt, and I don't feel the forgiveness, because I still have some issues.

Time eases pain as we move on day by day. Unfortunately a lot of the memories linger. You never forget hurtful words, but you don't want to obsess over them until they turn to hate. Forgiveness is something we all must do, as it is in scripture. If we do not forgive those who wrong us, God will not forgive us of our wrongs.

Some time has past since that time, and as hard as it is to have lost our mother, we all know that she is happy where she is now. Her pain and suffering is over. So she would want for all of us to move on with our lives.

I told my son, I'm human, and at that time, I didn't know how not to be. I didn't know how to feel anything but pain. Life was hard enough, but the death of someone you really love is devastating.

I'm working hard on trying to get life back together with my family. Forgiving is essential in order for the Father to forgive me. Forgetting is sometimes a different story. But with God's help, there is nothing that He and I can't handle together.

People get really crazy sometimes, and things are said, some things are turned around, and some totally distorted. I so hoped this wouldn't happen to the family, but it has, Now we all need to start mending and moving forward.

I thought we were the only dysfunctional family around. People go off when the pain is too hard to deal with. Even when you know that it's coming, it's always too soon. If we were to think first, and react later, we wouldn't react at all. We would realize that she needed to go home to be with the Lord. We needed to let her go, It was time.

We've never really been a close knit family, because we have all lived so far apart all these years. We had finally started bonding, as we were all here in one town when mom got sick. I'm just glad mom wasn't here to see her senior citizen delinquents. Trust me, she would have kicked our backsides. We all deserved it.

I need to keep praying for strength, because I can't do it in my own. I pray for my family and slowly we are coming to terms with everything. My brother and I still have some things to deal with. With God's help, maybe someday we can put all of this behind us.

Learn more about this author, Candy Jules.
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