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My heart is pounding, it is hard to breath. My prayer I repeat a thousand times. Hours have passed, more than I am aware. My husband is at work and my children in school. I repeat my prayer again. I need to feed my family. The creditors are calling. Debts have been turned over to heartless collection agencies. Just this one big win. I can pay my bills for this month! I can have food for supper! I can cover the checks I wrote here today! ROYAL FLUSH! Thank you Lord! Cashing in is such a thrill. As they count out the money I can hardly wait for it to be in my hands! My palms are sweaty, and I can't stand still. Straight to the bank I promise myself I will go. Finally they hand over my jackpot. And I think, just maybe, another machine is ready to hit, or should I try another favorite spot. Another hit would be so great! I can get my daughter the dress for prom. I can buy my son his baseball shoes. One more try. Just a portion of my winnings. Then I promise I will go to the bank whether I win or lose. I arrive at the next destination. Ask for a soda (it's free!)and feel a sense of relief when I see "my" machine is open. Many hours have passed. My children have called, they are out of school! My husband will be home soon. "I'm running some errands I'll be home soon." Another lie to my children, another piece of my soul dies. I have written another check. My winnings have been spent chasing that dream of the thrill again. I leave. Knowing I need to go home, I wonder how it feels to die. It needs to look like an accident. My family will need the life insurance. Maybe if I can find a place where no one will find my body except the wild animals. My children cannot find me. I'm don't want them to have that image for the rest of their lives. I have become distant with my husband. And of course it is not my fault. I don't have the guts. I need to go home. Wipe the tears and put on the mask of a good housewife and mother. Act as if nothing is going on. Denial. Sometimes an easy thing on the outside, but inside it is a knife that keeps penetrating and twisting. Why do I keep doing this day after day? Why can't I just quit? I know the odds are against me. I know all I'm doing is going further in debt. It doesn't seem real. The money, the money doesn't seem like anything compared to that thrill. The high. The feeling of winning. But am I winning at anything? What have I become? Who have I become? I don't apply makeup anymore, shower very often anymore, do dishes, make the

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