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When a young adult enters the world of relationships, they have dreams and ideals as they search for "the one". Many find happiness and continue to grow in confidence and wholeness. Others find nothing but pain and frustration. The problem is that both types of relationship began basically the same way, with the same kindnesses and attention shown to each other. No one really knows why some of these relationships go into an unhealthy mode where a power imbalance develops. In the healthy relationship people continue to be kind and respect each other; however in the unhealthy, one of the couple suddenly or slowly, takes away everything wonderful that was said or done earlier. This puts the other one in an emotional tailspin. They feel confused, question what they must be doing that is causing the other to have withdrawn the support and loving words. They feel only criticism and shame and become preoccupied with what they can do to bring the relationship back to how it was when they first started.

When they realize this is not going to work and things are never going to go back to the way they were, people will decide to go for help. Then a new dimension is added. One of the couple grows stronger in self esteem and courage and the other grows stronger in the need for more power. A book which gives great insight into this dynamic is called Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward, PhD.

In her book she discusses one of these tactics used by the controlling person to bring the other back into submission, to grovel for forgiveness and acceptance, to promise "to be good and to try harder next time". Someone, over time has developed a diagram called the power and control wheel, which explores the elements involved in a relationship where there is a power imbalance. In examining this wheel, one can easily see how emotional blackmail encompasses almost every aspect of that wheel. There is isolation, verbal abuse, threats, sexual abuse, intimidation, mental and psychological abuse, financial abuse, and stalking. There is even threat of physical abuse which may be backed up with past abuse. Although the author never calls emotional blackmail, abuse, it is clearly a form of abuse.

Because she does not mention the concept of abuse, this may be the reason why she would suggest that the victim of emotional blackmail make the blackmailer aware of what they are doing. In some cases, they may not be aware they are using emotional blackmail

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