by Ramona Atkins

Created on: September 28, 2007

We've all been in situations where someone we thought we could confide in or trust has let us down by either using information we have provided against us, or doing something they said they would not do in order to further their own interests. There are three main concepts to apply if put in this awkward situation: conflict management, critical thinking and a balancing analysis.

Conflict Management

Though it is often difficult to remain calm and collected once we have realized that there has been betrayal in a friendship setting, it is essential. It's important to try to understand why the person has stabbed you in the back. Further, it is essential to take ownership of your feelings by expressing them to your friend using the personal pronoun,"I." For example, "Jane, I feel that our friendship is in jeopardy, as I asked you not to share the information about Joe." By using the word I, your friend will not feel as though you are initiating a sparring match with him or her. Further, your feelings are your own. In other words, no one can take them away from you. Using "I" will invite and enable your friend to explain himself or herself. Additionally, by trying to understand what has happened, it will also give you the opportunity to present why you are so offended or upset so that your friend may begin to understand the impact of his or her actions.

Critical Thinking

In order for any relationship to flourish and grow from its tribulations, it is important to think critically. In other words, can you objectively apply your life's experiences to the situation in order to come to a logical conclusion regarding your friend's behavior? You must think outside of the problem and look at the entire situation in an unbiased manner. Additionally, you must avoid jumping to conclusions, being opinionated or stereotyping any given person or situation. It is with these basic principles in mind that you will be able to be fully informed as well as successful in your analysis and final decision regarding the situation.

Balancing Analysis

Upon gathering all of the information about the backstabbing situation, you must balance the gravity of what happened against the value of the friendship. In other words, what value does the friendship have as compared to what harm has been done and could be done in the future? If your friend is known for backstabbing tactics and you continue to be a part of it, you have only yourself to blame. However, if it is the first time that this sort of behavior has happened, you will need to determine if the circumstances are severe enough to end the friendship or grow from the experience. Regardless, every friendship has an emotional bank account with bonds that strengthen and enrich it, as well as those that offend, destroy and deplete from its value. It will take time to rebuild any bond that was present prior to the backstabbing, however, if the friendship is valuable enough, this can happen.

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