One of my close friends lost a child after a long battle with cancer, and the insensitivity of some of her acquaintances was unbelievable. Among the comments she got was "You should be glad its over" and "God wanted him more than you did." Helping someone in this situation is very hard, but here are some suggestions to make it a little easier:

1) Don't feel you need to be eloquent. This is not the time to write a sonnet or compose a eulogy. A simple "I'm so sorry" is all that's needed.

2) Be there. Just when they need friends most, grief-stricken people often find themselves abandoned. People often avoid them because they are uncomfortable and don't know what to say, or even because of some absurd belief that tragedy is "catching." Don't feel you have to have something brilliant to say, or keep the person entertained. Just be there.

3) Avoid platitudes. Most grieving parents don't want to hear "He's in a better place." or "Time heals all wounds." Worst of all is "I know how you feel." Unless you've lost a child, you don't.

3) If you knew the child, share a special memory. One of the few comforts the grieving parent will have is the realization the child will live on in his or her memory. By sharing something that shows some of the child's finest qualities, you help them to that realization.

4) Help the grieving person cope with the daily details of life. Most likely, he or she is too numb to cook, so bring heat-and-eat casseroles, offer to run errands, and otherwise pick up the pieces wherever you can.

5) Don't push outings on the mourner, who may not want to go out to dinner or to a movie for months. When he or she is ready, though, have a list of suggestions prepared. Avoid anything that might serve as a reminder of the loss.

6) Don't ignore the child's birthday or other special occasions in the belief that the parent doesn't want to remember. The parent will remember anyway, and will feel abandoned if you don't acknowledge the occasion.

7) Never scold the parent for grieving too long, or act surprised that he or she is still distressed after many years. Realize the loss of a child is something most people never really get over. On the other hand, if the mourner is still unable to function after months have gone by, help him or her seek counseling. Enlist the help of other family members if necessary.

It isn't easy to help someone who is grieving, but you will be glad to know you made the grieving person's life a little easier during a very bad time.

Learn more about this author, Emily Wickersham.
Click here to send author comments or questions.

---

Add your voice

Know something about How to offer support to those who face the death of a child?
We want to hear your view. Write now!