They say losing a child is the worst thing that anyone can experience. It's certainly true from my experience and for all those who have chosen this category. I thought I couldn't bear to write on this subject, to let people see the pain that haunts after so much time has passed.

Thirty-five years ago my first child, a boy just five years old, was drowned while I was sick in the hospital. The doctor had me moved to a private room, and he cried while telling me the worst news I'll ever hear. Then he stuck a needle in my arm to stop my screams. When I woke up there was a priest sitting beside my bed. His first words were, "It was God's will". I asked him to leave. If God had taken my son, then I wanted no part of God. I lay there looking at the mountain outside, wondering how I was going to go on living. Visitors came, trying so hard to say the right thing, and there is no right thing to say.

For a time, I hated God. I went out into the woods, climbed a hill and screamed at Him to give me back my child. My marriage, which had never been strong, failed. The next couple of years were hell. I looked for comfort and love wherever I could find it, and ended up pregnant again by a near stranger. Although I had absolutely nothing to offer a baby, I found ways to support us. I went to college and worked until he was born. And, in that moment of utter joy when I first held him, saw he was identical in every way to my first son, even to the lemon shaped birthmark on his inner right arm, I knew God had heard me. My second-born son is in his thirties now, a tall, handsome man who has given me a precious granddaughter. Life does go on. I'm married again, happily this time.

If you know someone who has lost a child, telling them it's God's will is not the best way to help. Unless, of course, the parent already believes that. Don't say the child might have been spared something worse here on earth. Nobody deserves to have their life cut short so young. Life is short enough anyway. The best thing you can say is that you are very sorry. The best thing you can do is listen, even though the pain is hard to hear, and you feel helpless. I know...I poured out my grief to anyone and everyone, until I saw people avoiding me. Then I stopped, and did not speak of it again for years and years.

There are many ways to help besides offering condolences. Babysit. Run errands. Bake a cake. Help with food for the funeral. Make phone calls. Put people up who arrive from out of town. Exercise the family dog. Do grocery shopping. Believe it or not, these little things will be remembered decades later by the friend or family member who has lost the child.

If you yourself have lost a beloved child, I am so, so sorry.

Learn more about this author, Carolyn Paradis.
Click here to send author comments or questions.

---

Add your voice

Know something about How to offer support to those who face the death of a child?
We want to hear your view. Write now!