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Dating Do's and Don'ts for Dudes

I once wrote an article for men in mid-life who yearn to entice a woman into a permanent relationship. That article, inspired by my dating guru friend, Bonnie, warned of pitfalls such as outmoded hairstyles, nerdish eyeglasses, and ill-fitting clothes, as well as buzzard breath, grungy sneakers, and guys' tendencies to moan about ex-wives.

To be fair, I should devote an article to the dating blunders of women, but since none has ever been documented, let's again focus on fellows, with some more timely pointers from Bonnie:

1) Spruce up your space. A man should be painfully aware of how his home appears to a woman before inviting her over. Shelves full of dented football helmets, dusty catalogues, and greasy car parts might say "cozy" to a guy, but his date will frantically plan her exit strategy while remarking on the home's, uh, quaintness.

Do away with pinball and slot machines that grace the living room. Ditto, stray computer parts and posters of the Dave Clark Five or Hulk Hogan. Get rid of these conversation stoppers, even if it means renting a couple POD trailers for the foreseeable future.

And invest in some real furniture after tossing out anything that has seen the inside of a dorm room, frat house, or camping tent.

2) Be romantic at dinner, Bonnie advises. She recently dated a fellow who shoveled in his main course, gulped his beverage, and then signaled the waiter for dessert - before she'd even waded halfway through her ravioli. A romantic meal, on the other hand, involves leisurely eye contact and flirtation, perhaps ultimately sharing a sensuous dessert such as strawberries dipped in chocolate. No checking on scores of sporting events via cell phone - even if the Yankees are playing and you're about to come unglued.

3) Lose the baggy sweat pants and ratty t-shirts. No matter how dear they are to you, no matter how much history you and those clothes share, never allow your date to see you in such attire unless you're on your deathbed and it's not going to matter much anymore.

4) Remove excess body hair. If your shoulders and back look like they're crying out for Agent Orange, or at least some hedge clippers, you've got your work cut out for you. It's a common problem, and the solution once involved marinating in a vat of Nair. Now unisex salons are springing up to offer professional waxing, or better yet, permanent hair removal via laser that will change you from a big hairy deal to a smooth operator. Wearing fur these days is not only politically incorrect, it's aesthetically not-in-your-favor.

5) Learn to converse. Avoid topics such as engine horsepower, your high school sports experience, or the latest adventure movie where guys blow things up and never talk about their feelings. Focus on your companion, not yourself, and draw her out with questions such as, "Which is your favorite mall?" "Isn't that Oprah something!?!" or "Do these Dockers make me look fat?"

6) Be yourself. Most important, relax and have fun as you date. If you find yourself feeling tense and afraid you won't measure up, ask yourself: "What's the worst thing that could happen?" The answer, of course, is that you'll mess up badly and live the rest of your days as a lonely hermit, ostracized and ridiculed by women everywhere.

Come to think of it, better hang on to that pinball machine.

Learn more about this author, Karen Williams.
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