by Markavias

Created on: September 26, 2007

Eyes are the windows to the soul say some people. They let you know not only the colors of the iris, but the demeanor of ones personality. They are not only ocular devices to read with, capture a moment in time, see brightly painted homes in far off countries, they truly allow you to see into a person. These little globes in ones skulls are the only organ that never grows, therefore eyes remain the one organ that never changes from birth. Eyes have never truly held any meaning to me until this moment. A moment building up for nine months, two weeks, 12 hours and 36 minutes.

Our journey ends with a searing, torturous end as the first trek that I can recall begins with the word push. All the fears leading me into the unknown are coming to a volcanic head. The explosive pains of labor are to end shortly, and now my mind is contaminated with thoughts of this impending end. As I bear down with all of my strength, to begin forcing you out of my womb, the excitement mounts. All my strength is now concentrating upon seeing you, feeling you, kissing you. Oh god the pain is becoming too much to handle, the fear of not being able to finish is starting to take hold of my whole being.

"Mrs. Urban, we are going to have to use a vacuum she is stuck" the doctor says. Please lord, I know I don't talk to you much, but please help me get through this. My heart is racing terribly fast, with each beat the fear of a c-section, is taking hold now. My entire plan is starting to fall to pieces, and the fear of losing you is now becoming my backbone. As they insert the vacuum, my fear makes way for complete determination.

"Push with the next contraction and we will aid her way down the birth canal." With every last ounce of energy I can muster through shear exhaustion, I push through the immense pain that words can not describe. My happiness will not end in sadness of a loss, I will not will it to happen! Suddenly with a blinding pain ridden finality of this journey I hear "She's out!" I hear my husband begin to cry, and say over and over again "honey she is here, she is beautiful, open your eyes." I could not open them, my body began to slip into the frightening reality of shock and fear. There was no cry, no sudden shrill shriek, nothing, with this realization panic sets forth.

Your movements in my womb letting me know you are safe are no longer there, oh no, are you alive! I will not open my eyes, not until I feel her on me, not until I hear her cries, please god do not take the angel

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