Memories and Dreams

I used to pray for selective amnesia. Of course I wanted to wipe out the bad memories and only keep the ones that made me happy. Unfortunately memories, like dreams, are not always obedient to our wants and desires. Is it possible to have a memory in dream?

I dreamt once that I was dreaming. And in my dream's dream I was having a memory of something that had occurred when I was awake, but had no memory of it during my waking hours. Have I confused you yet? In my dream's dream, I remembered being raped as a little girl. I felt like someone who had suffered amnesia due to a tragic event, but I was now starting to remember the cause of my amnesia. The realization that yes, it really happened, was so overwhelming that I jumped up from both of my dreams shaking profusely and wondering if I was losing my mind. But I was completely sane and very much awake.

So now I'm awake wondering if it really happened. Did he really rape me, or was it just inappropriate touching as I remember it? The horror of not being able to remember was almost as bad as the realization that it could be true. But how could I forget something so invasive, so brutal so dehumanizing? I could also ask myself, how could I bear to remember? Perhaps my dream was trying to show me something that I had made every unconscious effort to block from conscious my mind. I had buried it deep into the recesses of my subconscious so that I had to have a dream within a dream in order to remember it.

This happened six years ago. The rape, if there was one, happened over twenty years ago. The memory, or the dream, whatever it was, is still fresh within my mind and I can't choose to forget it. Amnesia, unfortunately, is not selective.

Learn more about this author, Sabrina Lane.
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