by Janet Jenson

Created on: September 24, 2007   Last Updated: September 25, 2007

Would a May/January romance have the same appeal today as it did in Chaucer's time?

Relationships between people with age differences have been greatly romanticized in books and movies. The most familiar reference may well be September Song, which debuted in 1938: "But it's a long, long time from May to December..."

However, before the Gregorian Calendar was adopted, the poet Chaucer, who was said to have fancied young girls himself, poked fun at an old guy who married a young lady. But since he spoke of a time when the calendar year began in March, he was able to depict Sir January with a double beard. This made him more sinister, but he retained the suggestion that Janus's age was a door that swung both ways. Since the mythical door keeper represented beginnings as well as endings, though, he used to be shown clean shaven on one side and bearded on the other.

In that form, he could easily have become the poster child for why it is not appropriate for a 30 year old of either gender to date an 18 year old. Regardless of the relative maturity of each person, a 30 year old has had enough experience to look, as Janus was able to do, in both directions. S/he therefore has an unfair advantage over the younger person. While relationships tend to be considered as mostly about love and romance and fun times together, what they are really about, in a sense, is power.

To be healthy, a relationship must have a balance of power. A mere 12 year difference in age can be pretty meaningless between adults, but when one half of the couple is not even old enough to legally buy alcohol, gamble, or otherwise have autonomous control of financial and legal entities, there is more than a suggestion that s/he is going to be at a disadvantage should a power struggle arise. We must remember that there is a difference between the age of "license" and the age of "majority." Reaching the age of 18 may qualify an individual to exercise rights and responsibilities in one place, when at the same time, just a few feet away in another state or jurisdiction, that person may still be a minor under the law. I believe a half dozen states in the US still have a higher age of majority than 18.

This is not to say that in no case will a May/December relationship where May is younger than the norm ever work. There is an exception to every rule and certainly lovers in one of the most celebrated stories of all time, Romeo and Juliet, ended tragically without advanced age factoring in.

But in a potential May/December relationship, the older one, who like Sir January can see on both sides of the door, must realize that the younger person should be allowed to remain as free as all outdoors. S/he therefore must not bring the younger person into a narrow room and close a trap door that the 18 year old might not be mentally, physically, and spiritually strong enough to open. There is much too much potential for abuse in such a union. What should have been a relationship could too easily turn into a prison.

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