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Sadness, Anger Outlawed In Irvine, California

As of this Monday morning, it is no longer legal to be publicly sad or angry in the affluent Orange County suburb of Irvine, California.

At the behest of The Irvine Company, the real estate investment company that owns most of the land and property comprising the city deemed the safest in the United States the last two years, Irvine's City Council passed the new ordinance that "hereby prohibits the public exhibition of any countenance overtly recognizable as sad, angry, or any amalgamation of such unpleasant emotions within the spectrum of negativity".

"The purpose of the regulation is to polish Irvine's already lustrous image - so it really sparkles," says Beth Krom, Irvine's Mayor, "Eliminating frowny faces from our landscape will insure we're always putting our best foot forward for the benefit of our local home and business owners."

Added a beaming Krom: "And also because it's just nice to be nice!"

The ciy's new injunction against public despondency hasn't been well received by everyone however, including Howard Munson of Irvine, whose bad mood wasn't improved when he earned the distinction of incurring the first $100 ticket for violating the ordinance.

"I've had a lot on my plate lately and hadn't heard about the new law. My newborn son was recently diagnosed with a terminal genetic disorder and my wife has been really depressed, so I decided to go for a walk to the park, but apparently I wasn't in the right frame of mind in the eyes of the law, and they busted me," recounted Munson.

"I was sitting on a bench staring into the pond when the first two cops out of the total of twelve who would eventually respond approached me and asked if there was anything wrong, and when I said there was, one laughed and said, 'Well, it's about to get a lot worse', wrote me a ticket and told me I should be ashamed of myself for acting depressed in a place kids come to play. I didn't really appreciate that."

Charles Copeland, 83, also of Irvine, agrees.

"I'm always cranky. I enjoy it. I also like going for walks, so what am I supposed to do, paint a crap eating grin on my face every time I step out of the door like my bones don't ache and I've just had my first decent bowel movement in four years? I stormed the beach at Iwo Jima, so I think I'm entitled to scowl at as many people as I feel like."

Not true, says Donald Bren, Chairman of The Irvine Company.

"We urge people to understand that we're not trying to impose any sort of comprehensive ban on these types of emotions. We understand that they are quite normal for some people, and that's fine. All we're saying is, for the good of the community, that there is a time and place for them, and that's inside your home."

Sheila Trufant, Vice President of the Turtle Rock Community Home Owners Association, agrees.

"I think it's great. People don't want to start a business or buy a house in a town full of sour grapes and gloomy Gusses. I bet anybody who's currently opposed to the idea will see things different when it's time to put their house on the market."

Learn more about this author, Aleister Pinkbelly.
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