He beat the hamburger patties without mercy.

"The Butcher," as he liked to be called, showed less grace with his victim with each blow, hoping the beef would know a small amount of the pain he felt. As I walked into the room, I asked "The Butcher" one question: "What is your beef with the beef?" I then laughed out loud, (lol), at my aforementioned pun which I mentioned less than 22 words ago. Remember when I used the word beef in two different ways with the intent that the reader would pick up on the two different meanings of the same word used in the same phrase and find its conclusion to be humorous in nature?

As I pondered whether or not to type that statement I thought to myself in my mind: "You only live once, just go for it. After all, what do you have to lose?" I then answered myself, imagining that I was a hunter standing over my fresh kill, saying: "Don't wuss out. You are the hunter and these words are thy victim. You hold the power of life and death. With every stroke of the key you can force kingdoms to crumble and enemies to be defeated, to be cast into everlasting darkness where there is no light, hope, or even a hint of a fresh, outdoor scent. You, author, are the butcher and these words are your beef. Pound them mercilessly until the reader knows your pain and suffering."

Just then I began to criticize my hunting skills. First of all, I am not a very good shot. I was never good at killing rabbits or prairie dogs with my .22 when I was in Jr. High. Secondly, I am not a good "sidler." I can't really sneak up on anyone, being that my shoes squeak like that weird kid in my high school class. You know, the kid who always walked around with a gait not unlike a duck wearing constantly soiled trousers? I pretty much hunt like that guy, the only exception being that I do not smell of rotten flesh.

However, if I am going to hunt words with great skill, I need to become what words prey upon. What is it that will draw the words to my mind and my attention? Deer hunters soak themselves in deer urine. What "word urine" or "grammar piss," (as it is more commonly known), can I soak myself in to attract the words that will once again divide this nation into two powerful halves? I figure we have a better chance of taking over the world if there are two of us. Aren't two heads better than one? Maybe one of us could sneak around while the other is distracting the enemy, (perhaps an Arab nation of some sort..or at least someone who doesn't speak the same language, maybe France), by making strange noises or spinning about like a dreidel, and stab France or Iran or whoever in the head with a bowie knife. After all, what's more American than a bowie knifeapple pie? I don't think so. At least this knife bears the name of a progressive English musician who penned such classics as, "The Man Who Sold the World," and "Heroes." What did apple pie ever do for America, make us fatter? Thank you, apple pie, for killing us softly with your texture and sweet taste.

So, in conclusion, it is not completely illogical for me to conclude with this concluding thought: Apple pie is the real American enemy.

Learn more about this author, Joe Reed.
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