Parents pass all kinds of nonsense on to their children, and this is one particularly insidious example. Truly, "violence begets violence," as generations dole out and accept corporal punishment as a solution to their problems. When someone says "spare the rod and spoil the child" they are trying to justify their own failure to meet their child's needs for guidance and discipline.

The most important role of a parent is as a role model, the teacher and ultimate progenitor. Children are shaped by the way they are treated by their parents. Physical punishment develops people who are fearful, violent, and emotionally repressed. They become unable to be honest with themselves and others, seek unacceptable means of comfort as a form of rebellion, and become themselves hostile and impatient parents. Entire families are infected by the delusion that it is good to hit and hurt others.

Anyone who hits or touches a child in anger or in some misguided form of punishment is teaching that child to treat others the same way.

The image of the carrot and the stick turns people into asses, but who wants their children to grow up to be asses? Children need to learn how to make decisions, try and fail and try again. Discipline is a muscle that grows when you keep working on something, when you give up other things for the ultimate goal. Discipline can't be beaten into a person.

On the other hand, the world is not a soft place, and children should not be coddled. There are basic rules to living in this world, among them are patience and common sense. Parents best teach patience by clearly explaining the consequences of things. Children love to hear about their parents' lives and model themselves after them. As a parent, you have to live responsibly, tolerantly. Better than "spare the rod and spoil the child," we should say "firm but fair."

Learn more about this author, Mary Marotta.
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