I've done a lot of thinking lately. I wake up every morning asking myself "Am I moving on?" "Will I ever move on?" and I realized that there is no words in any existing language that can describe grieving a loss of a loved one and our lives we continue to live after, without them. This is not "moving on". This is not "accepting". No, it's not "rebuilding a life" either. The closest I can think of is "learning to live this way".

No two people will grieve the same loss the same way. No two people grieving their own loss will "move on" the same way.

I was widowed at 25. Dear friends and family thought I will feel better hearing the words "You are so young, you'll have a new life once, you'll move on". I was worse...
I needed them to understand I have my life, it's sad, it's bad, I hate it this way, but it's my life. I don't need a new life. I had my life with my husband. I have that same life without him physically present, but still I'll have him forever. Time moved on, I guess I moved on with time, I'm one year older now. The clocks are ticking, the world is spinning. My love is the same.

I don't know what future will bring for me. Maybe a laughter again, a holiday without crying, a vacation I could actually enjoy? Doing those small things that bring back light and joy to our lives is "moving on" for me. It's a sign that we can live this life instead of "only existing". The most important thing is to take small steps and to realize we are not leaving them behind. Gone but never forgotten, our loved ones will continue to live through our lives and deeds. If moving on means I should have some new life, without remembering, without loving people I've lost along the way I decided never to move on. If moving on means doing my best to survive, I think I'm doing a great job!

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