HOW TO MAKE A HORROR FILM

After extensive study, I've concocted a fail-safe recipe for assembling a top quality horror film that will be grossly over-rated and hugely popular with the pre-teen adolescent crowd.

First you'll want to select a hero or a heroine. My suggestion would be to assign this laborious role to YOURSELF. Yes, it is hard work and will probably involve a lot of stunt work, but this is the only character who will survive the night. So unless you have a death wish, I highly suggest taking on the burden.

Next you'll want to surround yourself with a group of 5-6 good looking teens. You'll want to have a good male to female ratio going on, so keep this in mind during your casting process. For mass appeal, you may want to have both a blond and a brunette female. At least one of the two should have fake boobs which she will prominently display during a sex scene with the most obnoxious guy in your group. This will quite possibly be the only time in your life it will be acceptable to watch two other people get it on, so feel free to look your fill. For the guys, you'll want to broadly represent the pre-teen spectrum. You'll want to have a slightly nerdy and diminutive guy (gay is acceptable as well), just an average, well-rounded guy, and then the a-hole jock who everyone will be glad to see bite the big one. Please keep in mind that all these people are destined to die, and die horribly. Choose people who have wronged you in some way. This will make the loss easier to bear.

Next you'll want to decide to go on a spontaneous road trip. It's important to note that it's best to use a lemon as your primary mode of transportation during the trip. Bonus points if it breaks down on isolated stretches of desert road and has trouble starting, but miraculously fires after you've spent five minutes pumping the gas and flooding the engine. It should have at least a small back seat, so that the psychotic wacko killer has a place to hide while you're driving away, assuming you've made a clean escape.

Seriously, get the oldest, most unreliable beater you can find. No stereo system for you! That radio only dial should static periodically and play only 50s doowop! Bang it occasionally while cursing for dramatic effect.

Stop at the first rickety and run-down old gas station you find, especially if it is the only building on the horizon for at least 60 miles. There is nothing at all unusual about a gas station in the middle of

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