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ARE YOU AFRAID OF YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER? Does he or she belittle you, call you names, embarrass you in front of others, hit you or spanks your children too harshly? Before it is too late, please read on.....

Several years ago I was in an abusive marriage. My husband had signs of violence in his personality long before we were married (which is the first sign). He frequently yelled and cursed at his parents and me, and sometimes even physically fought with them. Because I was young and naive, I stayed with him, and thought I could change him. You can never change a person like this on your own; they need professional help.

Shortly after we were married, I had two children at a young age; 18 months apart. I believe he wanted me to have kids early in order to keep me with him, and so that I would never leave or be able to leave because of the children. It was his way of "controlling me". During this time, the incidents of abuse escalated in severity and frequency, to the point that I was afraid for my life and the welfare of the children. He was more abusive to me, but did excessively spank the kids, which I did not like. When I voiced my objection to this, he did not listen to me. For years, I wanted to leave, but was financially unable to; until one night in a drunken stupor he beat my head so bad I had contusions and had to be transported to the hospital. That was the straw that broke the camel's back. At that point, he never returned to live with me again.

If you are in the same situation, this is what I suggest you do, which helped in my situation:

1. Early on, try to seek counseling from a professional. If your husband, etc. refuses to go, go yourself. Call your local family welfare agency, office of victim advocacy, domestic violence office, etc. If they refuse to go with you, this is a sign they are denying the fact they have a problem.

2. Do not forgive anyone who physically hits or hurts you. If they say they are sorry, and will not do it again, they do not mean it; and it will always happen again. This is the point where you need to take action; whether you are ready to or not. After any incident, the police must be called. Document everything, and have them file a "Restraining Order" or "Order of Protection" against that person. He or she will be forced out of the premises, will not be able to return unless accompanied by the police, and at that point if children are involved, a temporary Child Support Order will be set into place.
If he or she ever violates that Restraining Order, they will be subject to prosecution by the Court.

3. If you ever have to get a Restraining Order, a Temporary one is issued first, then you have to return to the Court and tell the judge you want a Final one in place. Never, NEVER, allow anyone who has hurt you to come back after you have started this process! I did this because I was not ready to leave, and the situation got worse. A Final Restraining Order is forever in effect; only you have the power to undue it.

4. Get all the support you can from friends and family. You will feel alone and scared, but you will need all the support from others who love you. They will reinforce that this is the correct thing to do.

5. If you have to, contact a women's shelter or counseling center to help you with your situation. They will have various resources to help you financially and emotionally.

6. Do not blame yourself- no one has has the right to hit you, no matter what you do to them!

If I had not forced my ex-husband to leave when he did, I firmly believe I would be dead right now. Please take my advice.

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