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His organs were fine, all measuring and weighing appropriately. His lungs were clear. His brain fully developed for his age. Absolutely nothing that could have caused any doubt in my mind that it was "just his time." Nonetheless, I still blamed myself. I still questioned and have continued to question if there was a single event that set the ball rolling for his death to come to fruition.

I looked at the death certificate; wondering if there was an answer there. Again, I found nothing. His cause of death listed was Sudden Infant Death Syndrome.

I couldn't believe that my son was gone from my life for one and for two, that there really was no reasoning behind his death. At least with every death I had dealt with previously; there was a reason. This death, and the grieving process associated with it, has been most difficult without having an understanding as to why he died.

Closeness

I've struggled greatly with finding closeness with people from all walks. The devastating pain I experienced with my son has left a mark on my life that I wouldn't have thought possible. So many people have come into my life and a serious lack of understanding and compassion drives them away with great force.

When I gave birth to my second son, I went through the same process. I truly didn't bond with him until he was nearly a year old. I, however, still went through the processes of motherhood and took it upon myself to consider parenthood a career and I had to be successful.

After he passed the age in which my son died; I was able to more readily develop a bond with him; and spend a great deal of time making up for lost time, so to speak. However, days still arise when I feel quite distant in that relationship.

I've struggled with romantic relationships since the loss of my son. I have set standards so incredibly high, no person could reach them. I've expected a partner to jump through hoops and catch a star, so to speak. If they couldn't accomplish all that I was requesting, they weren't worth my time. I've known some amazing people to walk out of my life as a result.

Self-Help

In the earliest days of my grief, I was unable to formulate a great many of words as to how I felt. I was in such a deep state of shock and disbelief; attempting to hold myself to any normal sense of function and ability to communicate was out of the question. I could sit and write, however, for hours. I didn't care how jumbled my writing was, as it was my own.

I progressed through journaling in ways I never thought

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