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Ahhhhhhhh...the grace of a beautiful woman, walking across a crowded room, her hair perfectly polished, her skin flawless, her body so svelte. Every living soul in the room is captivated. Well, I don't know where they breed these women, but I swear, it has GOT to be some secret bungalow with carefully controlled temperature, 24-7 etiquette coaches and round-the-clock grooming. I mean, how else could some women be so....well, perfect? They were probably wrapped in silk from the moment they were born.

I am by no means that type of female. I was born in a hospital, like most other women, not in some privileged bungalow where I was taught advanced self-grooming techniques and fourteen different ways to bat my eyelashes. And I wore diapers that gave me a rash.

I seldom wear white shirts. Why, you ask? Well, because they would die a cruel and ugly death due to my armpits burning holes in the fabric. Remember the acidic spit from the movie "Aliens"? The kind that could melt metal? I am convinced that my armpit glands don't secrete sweat, but rather that exact same chemical combination, that can melt away perfectly good fabric such as cotton. I don't have fantasies about gorgeous movie stars, I have fantasies about being able to wear a white shirt for an entire day and not be embarrassed to wave at someone out of fear that once i lift my arm, they will fall into a coma and never recover. I have hair days so bad, that if you were to turn me upside down, you could mop the floor with it and even get out those stubborn stains. And wanna talk about hair removal? Thank god they keep advancing with more sophisticated, tougher blades for razors, because I was getting tired (and kinda broke) to buy razors on a daily basis. Titanium blades were created for me and me alone.

I'm not sure how most other women are able to remain so feminine and, most of all, DRY! I blame my genes. Yup, now I can rest a little better knowing that I have no control over what my body does. Of course, I will wake up in a pool of sweat, but no matter. I put on that prescription deodorant, and i just KNOW it's got to at least reduce my sweat glands to pouring out ten ounces a day, as opposed to fifteen.

It's hard being a female. It's even harder to be feminine. But we have to function with the bodies we were given as best as we can, right? I think guys are starting to catch on to the fact that we too, go through some of the same symptoms they do on a daily basis. They've figured out that if we both eat chili, well, I'll have to use the bathroom just as much as he does. And no, it won't smell like roses afterward. We're only human, just like men, and I am not ashamed to show my face in the light of day anymore. I have come to accept all the things my body does and the fact that I too feel the need to burp once in awhile.

I will never look elegant in an evening gown, and I will not delicately blot my lips a hundred times during dinner. That's just too much work. So I say, work with what you've got, don't aspire to be something you're not (unless you're one pf those women born in the special bungalow), and stop worrying so much about appearances. Boys will be boys and girls will be girls. Only we know how much hard work goes into a normal day with average errands to run. Take comfort in the fact that you are definitely not alone and you're not the only one who spends an average of four hours getting ready for a date simply because you want to make sure you won't have a sweat stain on your butt when you get up during dinner to use the restroom. Be who you are, feminine or not, you are a woman. And what a wonderful thing that can be sometimes.

Learn more about this author, Irina Diaconescu.
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