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Humor: Job interviews

Job interviews may set your stomach quivering and your palm sweating, but they do not have to be the cause of so much anxiety. There are some simple tips you can learn to boost your confidence and put you in the best light to land the job of your dreams.

1. Always lie on your resume. It doesn't matter if you never were the CFO of a fortune 500 company. It sounds impressive. No one really has time for silly things like background checks. A company is more than happy to take you at your word if you seem sincere. That's how business is done, with a handshake and a smile.

2. Exaggerate your skills. If you want to be a Network Engineer, go for it! You set up that wireless network in your house with two laptops *and* a printer. That's just about the same thing as designing a corporate network. And anything you don't know, you can figure out as you go. No one will mind.

3. Before you start applying, sign up for MySpace, Facebook, and any other social network you can find. Set up public profiles and include lots of pictures of you and your friends at bars and beach parties. Hiring managers love to see that you are a real person with an active social life. It shows you can get along with others.

4. Post pictures of yourself in provocative clothes on all of your social websites. You may have to dress professionally at the interview, but when the hiring manager Googles your name, he (or she) may like the looks of what turns up!

5. Flirt with the interviewer. If you're a man and the interviewer is a woman, look her up and down and say, "If I'm hired do I get to work with *you*?" It will make her day. If you're a woman interviewing with a man, wink when you tell him that you don't mind working long hours. Don't worry, once you're an employee, you can go to HR if the boss expects you to follow through.

If you don't get the job, don't blame yourself. It is always someone else's fault. The job probably went to someone who did more than innocently flirt with the interviewer.

But what if you're not the one being interviewed? What if the responsibility of hiring is on your shoulders? Here are some great tips for finding the absolute best candidate for your company.

1. Assume that everything on a candidate's resume is the complete truth. Candidates do not want to get in over their heads, so they will be objective in assessing their own level of experience. If they have trouble answering questions about their listed skills, it's only because they are nervous.

2. Don't be afraid to base your decision solely on personality or looks. Sure, it would be nice to have an employee who is able to do the work, but you have to spend a lot of time with this person. Hire someone you would like to take to lunch or joke around with at the coffee machine.

3. Pay to fly in anyone who has a halfway decent resume. They may live across the country and be iffy on the idea of relocating, but you will seem like a big shot when you turn in an expense report with travel costs for a slew of potential, yet rejected, employees from around the country.

If you do make a mistake and hire a beautiful, fast-talking candidate with no actual qualifications, never take responsibility for it. When co-workers shake their heads in frustration and say, "Who hired that guy?!?" blame it on someone else. You can always say there was a great candidate you wanted, but your boss pulled rank.

243343_m Learn more about this author, Susan Quilty.
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