My father left my mom when she was pregnant with me. He wrote to her in a letter that if the unborn child was a boy, he would come back to her. Well, faith had it that I would be a girl, and he never returned. So I grew up without a father. My whole childhood I was told by everyone that my father left my mom because of me and that he didn't want me. That deteriorated the little confidence that I had in myself as a child. I grew up thinking that something was wrong with me, because my own father didn't want me. I learned to keep my distance from people because I believed that they wouldn't want me, just like my own father didn't want me.

When I was seven, my mom married my first step dad, and we all moved to the United States. It was a hard and sudden change for us. My step dad came from a whole different culture and tried to raise my sister and I accordingly. Even though it was challenging, we felt love from him. We became to accept it. But as soon as we did, my step dad passed away due to a heart attack. I was only nine years old. The only thing I could think was that I started to love him back and he left. My thinking then was that my love for him killed him. As a child, I thought I just was not good enough for a father, that if I loved any man, they will just go away. My second step dad had to deal with me not being able to accept him. It was even harder due to the fact he wasn't really the father material. He's still my step dad but I don't consider him as my father.

Now that I am an adult, I know that this thinking was due to circumstances that I was not capable of understanding at such a young age. I also realize that my biological father is just that. My biological father. Nothing else. He was too coward of a man to face his responsibilities. Yet, that doesn't change my childhood. I still yearned the love and understanding a father can give his child. I still yearned the acceptance of my father. I still wanted to be the apple of someone's eyes as a child. I never had the strong hands to protect me from danger as I grew up. I had to watch my childhood friends deal with an overbearing father, wishing that I had their problem.

It's hard to go through life not having a real father. It leaves you with an empty feeling. It leaves you with a sense of not being complete. I thank God everyday that I at least had my mother there to love my sister and me unconditionally. She has been strong through it all. I commend my step dad with going through the teenage years with my sister and me, but he made it obvious that raising children was not his thing. That just made it worst for us. It was yet again, another man who didn't want us. It ruins your mentality. It ruins your confidence. It makes you question who you are and what good are you for when your own father doesn't want you. It makes life that much harder.

I have a daughter now. Her father and I couldn't deal with my emotional mess so we're no longer together. No matter how hard it gets for me though, I make sure that my daughter knows her dad. I make sure that no matter how angry I get with him, I let her know that her dad loves her. I can't bear to let her grow up the way I did. Growing up without a father to love you is heartbreaking and my daughter does not deserve a broken heart at such a young age.

Learn more about this author, Rhea Y..
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