OK, all you employer types out there, listen up! Unless you can make sure your employees are better paid, have more benefits, and generally get more perks and incentives than the competition, they will run at the first chance. That's free enterprise folks. That's the deregulation all you republicans whine about needing so much. So, you don't like it when it works against you do you?

There's only one way to keep good employees, give them what they want. Period. No, they don't want a bigger lunch room, or a better parking spot, or a token cost-of-living raise every so often. They especially don't need lunch room notices about stupid contests they can win for insignificant things by being a better employee. They want what you have. Money and security. The tidbits employers throw out to underlings only act as teasers, eventually employees will figure out there really isn't any carrot on the end of the stick, just more contests to win. That's when they go looking for a different job.

Here's the key, Structure; flow-chart clarity and delineation of duties so employees know what to shoot for and exactly how long it should take. Clear, publicized levels of promotion and fair salary increases at each level. Most importantly, no secrecy! Joe shouldn't have to hide his salary from Fred because the manager decided he liked Joe more and gave him a bigger raise for doing the same job Fred does! Concrete, cash rewards and promotions for a job well done, or extra benefits like offering shares in the company stock, those are real rewards. The kind of temptations that will keep good employees going month after boring month.

Yes, employees are human beings, not numbers. They want a real home, not an apartment, or a tiny condo. They want a Mercedes, not a beat-up old Chevy. They want to send their kids to private schools like you do. They want to leave a legacy for their kids just like you will for yours. They don't want to be strung along. Tokens like a free pair of baseball tickets won't keep really good employees. You know why? They know that the reason you have those tickets you can't use is because you can afford season tickets! You have the whole hog and you try to bribe employees with a piece of sausage!

Don't worry, the haves will always have and the have nots will always have to kiss their butts, but if you want to keep your crew of little brown nosers from sniffing another HR manager's heinie, pay them as much as you possibly can, give them full benies and decent working conditions, and forget the free tickets, contests, and movie passes.

In the long run, you'll save money by retaining the best and brightest; those too smart to be fooled by the teasers and too confident to be strung along. Get rid of the sheep and the fools and all you have left is the cream of the crop.

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