She smiled secretly, my mother, when she thought no one was looking. But I used to catch her at it. The room would be full of noise, and children, and the sounds of Christmas morning or Thanksgiving dinner. No one would be paying much attention to the gray-haired lady in the rocking chair. But she was watching it all, devouring the scene with her troubled hazel eyes. Then magically, the pinched, pained look would leave her face, and she would smile. At no one in particular - just a slight outward sign of an inner peace and warmth that came when she was surrounded by her family. My sister, me, our children. That was her whole life, her sole purpose for living. Somehow she could never say that out loud. But her face would say it - shout it - to anyone who took the time to notice. The last time I visited her, I noticed it a lot. Once I caught her peeking into my room late at night, like I was still a little girl. She couldn't tell that I was awake, but I watched her as she silently opened the door and looked in on me. And she smiled. It was as if she was reminding herself that her life had meaning. I cried that night, and no one ever knew. Mom never knew. I don't understand why she wasn't able to show us just how she felt, but she never did. Oh, she would say "I love you" and "I'm so proud of you," but the words seemed automatic somehow. And so did we when we answered, "I love you, too." Then we went on wrapping gifts, or making pies or admonishing the children to be quiet so Grandma could rest.

I don't think she wanted to rest. I think she wanted to get down on the floor and play with the tinker toys and building blocks. I think she wanted to be up to her knuckles in pie dough and flour or will her swollen arthritic fingers to cut ribbons and stick bows on packages. But as quickly as the smile came, it would fade, leaving her eyes vacant and her mouth pursed. The pain would return, and no one even noticed that it had been gone for a moment.

Well, I noticed. And I said nothing. Now she is gone, and I can't tell her that I understood. I would give anything to be able to see that smile one more time. I miss you, mother, and no even notices.

Learn more about this author, Tricia.
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