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Domestic violence is often a silent killer. The abused spouse suffers not only the physical and emotional trauma of the abuse, but the misunderstanding of many who say, "Why don't you just leave?" Those of us who have not been in an abusive relationship have probably thought or said exactly that when we hear of someone staying with an abusive spouse. "Why doesn't she (or he) just leave?"

Statistics prove that the abused spouse is in greater danger of being killed after leaving the abuser. Should an abused spouse decide that it is time to leave the situation, it is imperative that the abused spouse have a plan of escape, especially when children are involved.

If you are afraid of your spouse becoming violent or if your spouse has already abused you, the following are some helpful tips for preparing to leave your spouse:

1. Contact your local Battered Women's Shelter or Men's Shelter to speak with a counselor about your plan to leave.

2. Confide in several close friends and family members about your decision and ask for their help in your plan. Perhaps they can take you in for several weeks to months, as needed.

3. Make all plans as confidential as possible. Try to use library Internet access or public phones to make your plans. Most abusive spouses are also controlling and will most likely be monitoring your contact with the outside world to be sure that you aren't planning to leave. Hide your tracks as best you can.

4. Be sure that your plan is full proof and that your spouse will not be able to locate you after you leave.

5. If you have children, be sure that they will not be alone at any time on their way to or from school. Take them with you should you choose to leave the state.

6. Do what you can from a legal standpoint to ensure your safety. Call the police to report any abuse to establish a record of abuse. File for a restraining order to keep your abusive spouse away from you and your children. File for divorce and sole custody of your children. This may require the assistance of an attorney.

7. If necessary, change your identity and ask for the protection of local law enforcement to prevent your spouse from locating you. This may require the assistance of an attorney.

8. If possible, move away from the city and state where you lived with your spouse and arrange to begin a new life some place else.

All of the above-listed steps may sound overwhelming, but the better your plan, the more likely you are to succeed in leaving your abusive spouse. Remember, your decision to leave may place you (and your children) in greater physical danger and potentially in danger of being killed. It is, therefore, essential that you contact as many professionals as you can for advice before making such a monumental decision. Speak to counselors, lawyers, and police. Document your abuse and ask for help from your family, friends, and community.

Learn more about this author, K.J. Ness.
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