Why it's Your Fault Your Child Is Fat

Lately I've been hearing a lot of concerned parents complaining about the weight of their precious children, and I've decided it is time for me to address the issue. In this article, you'll not only come to understand why you, the parent, are responsible for you child being morbidly obese, but also how to change that. So read on, and soon you'll be on your way to having thinner, more socially acceptable children!

We're going to start off with a bang, the kind of bang only cold, hard facts can provide. 30% of children today are overweight, and 15% are obese. 80% of overweight children have at least one overweight parent.

Let's put those numbers into perspective. If you were to gather all the children in America, all 74 million of them, roughly one third, or 24 million, would be overweight. That is equal to the entire population of Uganda. 19 million of those kids also have an overweight parent. That is equal to the entire population of Syria. That means that if everyone in America, except all the fat kids, and their fat parents, were to die, we'd still have a population equal to that of two entire nations, combined.

You may be thinking to yourself "Dear god, this is an epidemic! If only there were something I, the parent, could do!" Well, you're in luck, because there is something you can do! It even has a name, and it's called "raising your kids." No, that doesn't mean calling your local congressman to have a law enacted, officially making it illegal to serve food to a minor; it means actually playing a part in your child's life, and controlling what he or she does.

First of all, limit what your child eats. It's an extremely simple concept, yet one that many parents seem to have trouble understanding. If there is one thing that adults have, that children don't, it's control. Parents get the ability to control every aspect of their children's lives, no matter how asinine. So, next time your kid begs for an ice cream cone, tell him no! And, when he asks why, tell them "because I said so!"

Next, you'll need to get them active. This means signing them up for an after school sport, and making them play outside, instead of on their Xbox. Sure, they'll try to come up with excuses to not play, like "but mommy, the soccer coach touches me when nobody is looking!" But, being the superior parent you are, you'll see through their lies and deceit, and make them go anyway!

The last thing you need to make them do is exercise. One of the best ways to do this is through chores, which will not only help the child, but also help you. Good ol' fashioned work is key to building muscle, and the more muscle a child has, the more calories they'll burn. Some good chores to assign them include: painting the face, waxing the car, and scrubbing the deck. In fact, these very activities are often the preferred training regimen of many champion martial artists, because of their muscle building attributes.

So there you have it, with only a few simple steps, your child will be well on his way to becoming the fit young model citizen society says he should be. Not only will he feel healthier, but he'll also become more popular among his peers. He'll have more friends, and he may even get a girlfriend, all because of your tyrannical efforts as a parent! As Smokey the Bear says: "Only you can prevent childhood obesity!"

Learn more about this author, Cameron Coward.
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