by Rebecca Laffar-Smith

Created on: August 29, 2007   Last Updated: October 24, 2011

The breakdown of a marriage can be bewildering for the estranged couple. Children however are impacted even more deeply. Kids have a centralized focus, the world revolves around them, they are the center of the universe, so obviously, in their mind, this is entirely their fault.

It can be easy to become preoccupied with your own emotions during a divorce so it is important to remember all the ways your children are affected by your families changing dynamics. There are many decisions that need to be made and depending on the age of your children some of those choices could be theirs.

Pre-Discuss

If you possibly can, talk with your ex-to-be about the conversation you will have with your children. Agree on how much you will tell them and what options you want to offer your children. If one of you will be taking primary care of the children make certain you are both in agreement and understanding. Know in advance the answer to questions your children may have such as where they will live and if they'll have the chance to visit with the absent parent.

If you can't get together with your former partner or if relations are no longer amicable, then you may need to deal with some of these points through a third party. It is still important to decide in advance on key points and know how much information you feel your kids should know.

Teamwork

It can be easier for your children if you tell them about your separation together. With both parents present and in agreement they can be reassured that they are loved and that neither parent holds them responsible for anything that dissolved the relationship. It will also be easier for your children to accept if both parents are in agreement about all points.

If you can't tell the kids together then be prepared to allow your child access to the absent parent. They will want to confirm details and want to be reassured that they are loved and won't be forgotten. When it's not a safe for them to contact their absent parent do what you can to reassure them that they are cared for and safe.

Time and Location

Pick the time and location for the discussion with your children. Give them the space to feel safe and comfortable without feeling trapped. Give your child the freedom to leave the room if they want to. Be sure to allow your child a chance to take time to adjust to the news. Don't break it over breakfast, before school, at the dinner table, or before a major event. You want to avoid associating this unhappy news with something

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