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First of all, I apologise if I slip into talking about PND as here in the UK the condition is known as post natal depression.

I suffered from PPD which wasn't diagnosed for 4 years. It has made life very difficult. I think that without other problems going on around my husband and I could have worked through it but there was just too much happening. Much of this will seem off the point but I just want to show how things can mount up until you reach a stage you can't cope with things individually - which I feel would have enabled me to get through PPD a lot easier.

My first husband died a few years before and on the day I left work to have my son I received a call form a lawyer stating that I was liable for the full negative equity on a property my first husband and I had owned and which I believed had been sorted out during probate (by a solicitor who had since been jailed and, not suprisingly, struck off!). This amounted to 78,000. When he arrived home I informed my 2nd husband who then informed me he was 20,000 in debt.

My labour had to be induced but didn;t proceed to plan and after 26 hours I had an emergency caesarean under general anaesthetic. From the moment I came round I was swamped with the knowledge we were on the verge of becoming homeless. Having had a c-section my son was taking away by nurses to be washed and changed. The only thing I could do was feed him - and after 4 days of struggling to breastfeed I gave in and used a bottle - more guilt.

When we got home a week later my husband went to the doctor and was diagnosed with depression. The doctor told me to 'get on with it and support my family'. So off I went to work. By the time I got home of an evening my son was fed, bathed and ready for bed, nothing for me to do. Not much time for cuddles.During this time we lived in temporary accomodation surrounded my drug addicts and dealers for 5 months before finding a small apartment. 6 months later I had my first evening out alone - at a church event. While there the police called to say my husband had taken an overdose, which thankfully he survived. The church elders informed me t was my fault for going out to work and not letting my hsband feel 'like a man'.

Not long after my marriage broke down and I moved, with my son, to my parents. I had no idea how to look after my son. I cried my self to sleep literally every night for the next 3 years. I felt I had let my son down by bringing him in to this world with no security at all, for not knowing how to look after him, for being a useless mother, a bad person. I spoke to a doctor about how I felt again and again was told to 'get on with it'.

I remarried a few years later to someone who seemed kind and supportive and seemed to understand my feelings. The moment the ring was on my finger he used my PPD to control me, using it as a 'put down' until I felt I was a total waste of time on this earth. I came close to ending it but saw a sign for a woman's centre. I spoke to someone there who straight away stated she was sure I had PPD. We moved that day to a women's refuge and a staff member came with me to see yet another doctor. This one though was different. He understand what I was trying to explain - it's not easy admitting you are a failure - and arranged counselling for me.

For the first time I felt like I was a mum. I loved my son throughout all this but resented him. It's only now I can see why it took so long to have proper maternal feelings and really wish my concerns had been listened to from the start. My hert goes out to anyone who suffers from this. Whether it be short term baby blues or the longer term life affecting sort. It taught me not to judge others without knowing the background.

Learn more about this author, Sue Patten.
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