How do we tell the kids about divorce? How do we tell them that their once complete family as portrayed in family shows and movies with a father, a mother and children is about to disintegrate? How can we tell them about something so drastic and yet provide them a coping strategy so that they do not become another tragedy when they become adults themselves?

Divorce is an issue that involves not just the adults but also the children that belong to them. All too often the children are left out of the process until one day when they open their eyes to a brand new day, they are also open to a new reality about their parents? These are considerations to bear in mind when you wonder how to tell the children about divorce:

1) Be blatantly honest - don't hide the fact that the divorce is on its way. The worst thing for a kid to find out one day when he wakes up, is that Dad or Mum is gone forever and the worst thing is, the poor kid does not know why and starts speculating that he could be the cause of it all.

2) Even if we are blatantly honest about the divorce, we do not need to lay down all the ugly facts and feelings on the table. Children are extra sensitive to the going on around them, especially where their loved ones are concerned. Even if their parents do not quarrel in from of them, they would have sensed the tension and wondered why they never slept together and that communication is curt and abrupt. Keep the negativism out of the way and spare the kids the details, even if they are old enough to understand the issues! Keep the problems as the parents' - the kids need not be involved, especially when both do not agree on how the kids should be brought up!

3) Allow the kids to ask questions and if they do touch on sticky issues, be honest about the facts without becoming emotionally entangled.

4) Don't ask the kids whom they will prefer to stay with if one of you is not ready for their response at the moment. Let that come out at the divorce proceedings.

5) Be as cordial as possible to one another and refrain from speaking ill of your spouse or your spouse's new partner if one is involved.

6) Just as it takes two to get married and make the marriage work, it takes two to divorce. If both have agreed to annul the marriage, be mature about the decision! Don't make the ex-spouse look the devil. Your kids are not stupid - they have eyes and for all you are aware of, know more than you think they do!

7) Finally, assure your kids that the parents are the ones with the problems, not them and the decision to divorce lies with the parents and they are never to feel that they are the cause for the divorce.

Watch out for any reactions from your kids. If neither of you are able to counsel them, get someone you know they can trust - a good friend or a sibling of yours to hear them out. It may be the adults' problems, but a divorce will ultimately affect their lives too and the problems that they feel they will have need to be addressed too.

Learn more about this author, Lokemun Magar.
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