by David Furritus

Created on: August 26, 2007   Last Updated: October 31, 2008

Of course not. Professional Athletes are superior to the rest of us and are not bound by the same rules. They provide hours of entertainment to millions and should be given insanely high salaries. They shouldn't have to follow stupid rules because they...oh wait. I answered 'yes'.

In today's pathetic society we look for heroes and idols anywhere we can find them. Kids want someone to look up to and aspire to be like when they grow up. When someone repeatedly thumbs their noses at the rules just to increase their sense of personal glory they shouldn't be adored or glorified. No, they should be suspended, fined (I'm talking seven figure fines here!), jailed, or perhaps shot.

I'm not going to name names because there's been too much of that lately. I'll just site a few hypothetical situations:

A pitcher wants to throw an amazing slider that will baffle every batter he sees. He lacks the skills to do so, so he keeps a nail file in his back pocket. This gives him the edge he needs and he scores a record number of strikeouts. This earns him larger salaries.

A batter wants to hit the ball a bit longer so that he can make some critical hits to score some runs for his team. So, he alters his bat a little. Some extra pine tar here, some corking there. It doesn't matter does it? His team will do well and everyone will say what a great guy he is for making all those clutch offensive plays.

A player is worried that a recent strike that prevented a post season the year before has left the fans a little unhappy. He thinks that perhaps hitting a record number of home runs that season might help. He might be able to do it on his own, but just to make sure he starts to use some supplements to increase his muscle mass. The fans shouldn't care as long as he's able to keep knocking them out of the park, right?

The thing is that these people are being paid insane amounts of money. Billions of dollars are being spent on them to provide us with entertainment. I figure either none of them cheat - or they ALL should cheat. Steroids for everyone! Let the pitcher keep a bucket of water on the mound! Tell the batter he can alter his bat in any way he wants...and while we're at it, give the catcher a gun. That will make for some more exciting plays at the plate.

I'm a fan. Cheating matters. It needs to stop.

-Ferret

...for the record, Pete Rose never cheated. He only gambled - and it was always betting on his own team...

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