The answer is yes, with effort.

First, a great example: Growing up, I knew the most amazing step family. My friend's parents divorced and remarried new spouses. Both families moved to the same neighborhood a couple of blocks from one another. They had a huge number of kids between them - I can't remember how many but a LOT. The kids had the freedom to go between both houses - they had assigned days here and there but they were all comfortable at both homes. All the parents showed up for all the sports events, parties, etc.

The couples both got along - so well in fact that they were actually friends and got together without the kids now and then! Weird for most of us but incredibly inspiring. How wonderful for the kids not to have to "hate" anyone or feel any resentment. They felt tremendously loved by all four "parents" and they saw that their parents all appreciated each other as well - they didn't hate each other. They were just better off as friends than spouses.

There are lessons to be learned here:

1. Make it easy for the kids to feel comfortable in your home and their other home. Set up a permanent room for the kids no matter how long they spend at your house. This makes them a part of your household. Make it easy for them to go between the homes without having to pack a huge suitcase or sleep on the sofa bed.

2. Get along with their other parent. No matter what you do, you will never be their other parent. You can be a wonderful parent figure too, but in most cases they already have a mom or dad. From you, they need a caregiver who is also more of a friend.

3. Respect them and their other parent. Many stepparents fall into the trap of criticizing what they see in the child that is "from" the other parent. They also criticize the other parent's rules, parenting style, home, etc. Just live and let live. Hold your tongue about the other parent unless the child approaches you with an issue. When you have the child, make them feel welcome - don't make them feel like a burden or less important or wonderful than your own kids.

4. Make all siblings a part of the routine with their chores, responsibilities, corresponding rewards, privileges, etc. Don't make the child who comes on weekends feel like an outsider or less a part of the home.

5. Do something special with each child, not just your own or the ones that live with you most often. Each needs to feel loved in a special way. It is especially important that the stepparent reach out and try to have a special day with the stepchild if they are amenable to it. Don't push - give it time and offer a variety of things you think they'll like. Start out slowly and work up to a day's worth of time together.

These are some ideas. I think the main point is to be nonjudgmental about the child and their other parent. See the good in the child and try to love them.

Learn more about this author, S D Rios.
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