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Okay, I know it is really easy to ridicule Lindsay Lohan for making an atrociously bad movie, and yes, it was an atrociously bad movie involving such endearing moments as torture porn, sex with one legged people, strippers who don't actually take their clothes off, and dripping blood down stripper poles. In a movie done by any other director, it could have pulled off such moments with great, dry humor. In I Know Who Killed Me, it leaves one wondering, why did I see this again?

This movie was the most effective horror movie I've ever seen, but not for reasons the movie wanted it to be. During this movie, I found myself sandwiched between a large group of people on both my left and right sides, and I foolishly had chosen the seat in the middle of the row. I realized about ten minutes into the movie that I could not get out either way. I thought about jumping over the seat in front of me, but the seats were those really high ones that retract, so it would have probably collapsed on me, causing other people to laugh at me as I struggled to somehow get over that next chair, looking like a fool as I was doing it. During one of the many fade to black moments in the film (I started counting them at one point but then lost count, and I can count pretty high...okay, at least to six, but that's still high), I thought about just eating the seat in front of me, but there's no way to tell where that seat's been, so I opted to just watch what was on the screen.

So, I started examining other things in the movie that had nothing to do with the movie at all. Important things, like exactly how long does a three day growth beard last on someone's face when it hasn't been shaved and days have passed in the movement of time. Wouldn't a beard grow a bit and seem somewhat unkempt? Or is there a special gel out there that freezes a beard at 3 days while one runs around doing all sorts of stupid things that will never put a person in the running to meet some little golden guy named Oscar?

Pole dancing. For some reason, this movie got me thinking about strippers and pole dancing. I remember reading once that there is a class you can take that teaches pole dancing, but if I remember correctly, the class rarely has actual strippers taking the course, which means that there are a lot of uncertified pole strippers who may be putting themselves in great danger to the rest of the stripper club community. Yes, I think of these great social issues when watching a really bad movie like this one.

Then I started thinking about Lohan's career, and I realized this might be the greatest thing in the world for her because if she gets over that faulty premise that she is one day going to be a great actor, maybe she can go back to school and become a chemist, or a fire/suppression specialist, or maybe even a pharmacist. Okay, maybe a pharmacist isn't a good idea, but you probably get the idea.

The best part of the movie for me, when I really found myself caring about the characters is when the guy to my right decided to get up and get himself another bucket of popcorn. Shadowing him as he made his way out of the row, I found myself in the aisle, and I rushed towards the exit, making it just as the closing credits came on the screen, leaving me with one burning question as I dived into the lobby: Is there going to be a sequel?

Learn more about this author, Duane Gundrum.
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