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Infidelity in marriage is probably the most traumatic experience that can befall any spouse. The pain, anger, hurt, sadness and disappointment can be soul destroying. Amongst all this anguish, what you are also left with is the problem of how to deal with your cheating spouse.

There are those who would advocate an immediate end to the marriage. If this is the cas then there is no more to be said and you would just follow the advice of the lawyers and courts as you try to unravel the joint financial and property aspects of the relationship and, if applicable, sort out the custody of children. However, many people do not want to take this almost irrevocable stand, wishing instead to try and rebuild and sal;vage their marriage.

Similarly, others will advocate that the partner who has been cheated on should look to have an affair or one-night stand, just to get their own back. In my opinion this is not good advice. Firstly, it brings you down to the level of the original cheating partner, making one equally disloyal and uncommitted and secondly, it will make the relationship worse and create more heartache. Furthermore, if you have been really in love and committed to your cheating partner, could you morally justify such an act? Finally, the message that this gives is that being unfaithful is not a problem for you so why should your cheating partner feel guilty?

Assuming that the betrayed spouse has not sought an immediate divorce or are intent upon "getting their own back," how else would you deal with a cheating wife or husband? Perhaps the most obvious first action is the need to talk. If the person who has been unfaithful does not know that you are aware of his or her infidelity, find a quiet place and time to tell them that you know. Difficult as it may be to stop yourself from shouting this knowledge out in a public place as a means of expelling your anger and pain, it will not help the situation, especially if you still want to try and repair the damage. If you feel the need to share your feelings with someone other than your spouse, either accept the help of a counsellor or speak to a friend who you can absolutely trust to keep your confidence.

During these conversations you have every right to make your cheating spouse understand how hurt, angry and disappointed you are. But you also need to find out exactly what his or her position is. An explanation needs to be forthcoming as to why the affair happened. But do not allow them to try and pass the blame onto

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