by Emma Rayanne

Created on: August 24, 2007   Last Updated: August 01, 2009

People get married because they want to be with their spouse for the rest of their lives. They want to commit to a relationship based on love and trust. Unfortunately, the number of divorces in this country rising. Nearly half of first marriages end in divorce and 60% of second marriages fail also. This begs the question, "how can people stay married their whole lives?"

One important factor is surprisingly that you need know how to disagree, argue, and most importantly, make up. No matter who you are or how sweet your spouse is, or how much you have in common there will come a day when every couple will not agree. The key is surprisingly not to stop all arguing in a marriage but to balance those disagreements with positive actions and words. In a recent article, "What makes marriage work?" in Psychology Today, John Gottman and Nan Silver describe three different ways that couples solve disputes. Only one of the three involved very little to no arguing and one way was actually passionately disputing. Their research shows that how you argue is not as important as how much positive energy the partners are giving each other when not fighting. As a matter of fact John Gottman and Nan Silver even give "the magic ratio is 5 to 1". Five positive things for every negative one. This is good news for anyone who's been married long enough to have one or two or many arguments.

The key to a happy, sucessful and long lasting marriage is to express love, respect, commitment and laughter with your spouse. If the statistics are right, half of the married couples need to bump up their game. If you are married, that probably means you!

How can you fit five times as much positive energy into your marriage on top of a full time job, mowing the lawn, cleaning the house and running the kids around. Take a deep breath and remember that it will only take some focus here and there to accomplish this goal.

Tip #1: Make a list of all the things you love about your spouse. Put this list on a post-it on your computer or have it scroll across as your screensaver. Keeping these things in front of you will help you smile every day and give you ideas for a quick email or phone call to your spouse every day.

Tip#2: If you have to argue, do it in the shower. Seriously, this was some advice I recived as a young engaged college student. It sounds goofy but the truth is, that it is hard to be really mad for very long with someone naked in the shower.

Tip3#: Take time together. Remember that your spouse is the person you want to be there with you after your kids are grown, your friends have moved and your parents have passed on. In order for your spouse to be there then, you have to make time for them now. Have a date night once or twice a month. Take an overnight trip a few times a year. It doesn't have to be expensive, even if it is just a tent in a nearby campground for one night it will give you time to connect with no kids or buddies around.

Tip#4: Be careful of you words. Take a look at how you talk to your spouse, are you positive and encouraging? Or would you not want to be friends with someone who talked to you the way you talk to your spouse? Words can change a frown to a smile, words can lift a sorrowing spirit, words can mend and heal.

And live happily ever after.

Learn more about this author, Emma Rayanne.
Click here to send this author comments or questions.