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For much of my life I've known that something was...... well, if not WRONG exactly, certainly not quite right. I've never fully felt a part of the human race. It wasn't until I reached my mid teens that I started to recognise the signs: I'd been fascinated with ants for quite a while and assumed that I was probably developing surrealist tendencies (after all, Dali was obsessed with ants). But then a darker desire began to emerge..... I found myself fighting against an overwhelming desire to find out what they tasted like! This, together with my inclination to burrow in the garden and hide in it for hours on end led me to the suspicion that maybe I was a little mad.

One night, while out burrowing secretly (I'd told my wife I'd gone out to check on the artichokes..... which was pretty lame, considering that we didn't have any), I came across a teeming ant's nest. Unable to contain myself, I tried a couple. Y'know, Balloo really has a point..... I just LOVED the way they tickled! As I greedily devoured what was probably the ant equivalent of Seattle, the disturbing and undeniable truth dawned on me: I was an aardvark trapped in a man's body!

How could I possibly explain this to my wife? She'd never understand. I would stand before the mirror and try to imagine myself with large donkey-like ears, a pig's snout and big, digging claws like a mole. What a beautiful aardvark I could have been if only fate hadn't played this cruel trick on me! However, I was compelled to harbour my desires in secret.

I didn't exactly CHOOSE to come out of the closet. My wife came home unexpectedly and found me in front of the mirror with an elasticated belt around my head with two aspidistra leaves tucked into it to look like ears, a bath-plug stuck to my nose with Blu-Tak and three trowels in each hand. "OH MY GOD!" she cried "What are you DOING!?" I could probably have babbled something about a fancy dress party but I decided to come right out with it: "I AM AN AARDVARK!" I confessed. I can't describe how relieved I was to get it off my chest!

Well, she was pretty devastated at first but she tried to be as supportive as possible. I showed her my burrow and even got her to nibble a termite (how many would be THAT supportive?). Together we scoured the Internet for support groups..... It's absolutely AMAZING how many quirks of human nature and extraordinary situations for which there are active support groups. Unfortunately, being an aardvark trapped in a man's body wasn't one of them so I decided to go the whole hog (so to speak) and apply for a species-change operation. Now, I don't know if you've ever even considered trying to find a surgeon willing to transform a human being into an aardvark, but I wouldn't bother if I was you.

It seems that I'm going to have to initiate a support group myself. Surely I can't be the ONLY one? So, if you are concerned about your species orientation and have leanings to being any other creature (it doesn't have to be an aardvark.... although that would help, of course), feel free to contact me at enquiries@iamanaardvark.org.uk or call me on +44(0)1594 841619
Here, you will be able to socialise with other trans-species (assuming that someone other than me joins, of course) and discuss interior design for burrows, ant cuisine and share experiences. Remember: You are not alone.

Learn more about this author, Ron Tocknell.
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