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The fact that you want people to think you're smart suggests that you don't think you ARE smart. Are you sure? Some people are smart without realizing it, just as some people are dumb without realizing it (a sizable number, in fact). If you've had a long hard look at yourself and you're convinced that you really ARE the bluntest tool in the box - but long for some sharpening - then read on. There are no quick and easy methods for learning how to pass yourself off as smart; You will need some time and the patience to use it well, a willingness to put in the effort, a moderate amount of natural cunning and a great deal of confidence. Remember that truly believing you are smart is almost as effective as being smart in the first place.

Talk the talk.

You can't be smart without being literate. If you're going to fool people, you need to be able to fool them with confidence. Remember, it's not WHAT you say but HOW you say it. You can talk complete nonsense if you like but just be sure that when you talk the talk you do it convincingly and smoothly. Be reassured that some of history's finest (and most effective) politicians never spoke a word of real sense throughout their entire careers, yet they beguiled with confident words and silky-smooth phrases. You must learn (paraphrasing Ambrose Bierce) to pick pockets with your tongue.

If you can't string two coherent sentence together, don't despair. Literacy is a skill that can be learned. Watch and listen. There are many avenues to explore: Books, movies and television. If someone impresses you with their wit and ease of communication find out just what it is they say and do. Memorize your favorite phrases and words and ease them into your conversations. Don't be afraid to run your eye over an English grammar to find out just how words should go together. Above all, learn how to make SOME sort of sense. Massacring the language will not impress anyone. Your words don't have to mean anything they just have to sound right... but beware! Avoid the kind of words beloved of 'media' types and smart-asses generally, words such as 'eclectic' and 'existential'. They are grossly overused and are an obvious sign that the speaker using them is fundamentally clueless but doesn't like to admit it. Be subtle and non-specific at all times. Remember that what we're aiming at here is to make people think we're smart, not pompous.

The key to the kingdom of BULL!

(Postmodernism. n. A rejection of all the hitherto accepted certainties that underpinned

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