Losing a loved one, whether it's a family member such as a parent or sibling, a close
friend or a spouse, is painful enough, but when that person dies tragically, the agony is doubled. Anyone who has lost a loved one will attest to the fact that you never completely recover from the loss, and anniversaries can be the most difficult.

Our society tends to treat grieving as a week long event which begins at the moment of the death and ends the day after the funeral. At this point, the grieving individual is expected to pick himself or herself up by the bootstraps and get on with life. This, of course, is ridiculous. Healthy grieving can go on for at least a year after the death, and perhaps longer for someone who has lost a spouse or family member that they lived with for 30 or 40 years.

Cemetery directors recognize this fact, and often provide memorial services on holidays and other special times during the year for family members who have lost a loved one in the last 12 months. These services can be helpful as grieving families and loved ones can grieve quietly, and they have the opportunity to commiserate with families who are going through similar circumstances.

Another helpful way to deal with anniversaries (and I have found this especially helpful) is to create new memories with others who have lost the same loved one. My father, though he was quite ill, tragically died while repairing a broken water heater under the house. My mother, then in her late 60s found him and had to drag him out from under the house and administered CPR for 20 minutes trying to revive him only to finally lose him. I arrived on the scene to find my dear father lying blue on the ground in the mud next to the house.

Just two months later would have been my parent's 45th wedding anniversary. I knew that hanging about the house would be difficult for my mother, so I suggested that we take off for the nearby mountains for the day. (Taking off on a whim was a habit of my father's.) Together we enjoyed each others company, did something that we both loved to do, and shared thoughts of my dad and what he meant to us. That was 10 years ago. This once a year excursion is now an event that mother and I look forward to. Together we remember my father and create new memories that help us with the grieving process and honor the memory of my dad.

In short, to help deal with the anniversary of the death of a loved one, find ways to create new memories with others who understand and feel your loss. This does not take away the pain, but it helps to work through the grieving process and make it much more bearable.

Learn more about this author, Joy Baldwin.
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