by Carol Wise

Created on: August 22, 2007   Last Updated: May 20, 2010

As a partner in two failed marriages I can list several things that can kill a marriage. First is a poor basis for the marriage, marrying for the wrong reasons. The next thing is poor or non-existent communication. You may speak to your spouse but are they listening? Do they hear what your saying? Are you listening to them, hearing what they are really saying? One can say they love you but if neither of you are willing to compromise or compromising is one sided then there is a lack of maturity and or selfishness that will destroy a marriage.

Children can kill a marriage and I don't mean to place blame directly on the children, they are not themselves responsible, it is the differing veiws on raising them that can split the couple apart. With blended families so common, children have become even more of an issue. One can't expect children to change and adapt overnight to the new mom or dad and often the new parent has very strong opinions on the role of the children and discount the relationship their spouse has had with their children previously. Even when the children are mutual there can be wide and varied opinions on how to raise them and if the parents can not agree or reach a compromise the children will often use these open disagreements between the parents to their advantage.

While cheating never played a role in the demise of my marriages it is an important killer. The betrayal and deception of one's partner is often impossible to overcome. The central issue of any relationship is trust and once that trust is destroyed it is hard to rebuild. Insecurity can also be a killer, some people have trouble trusting even when there is no cause to doubt their mate and as that doubt surfaces it can grow and become destructive. When my first husband confessed to having lacked trust in me, following me to see if I was cheating, it was a blow... I didn't feel I had ever done anything to warrant such a lack of trust and as he had to admit I was not cheating. Jealousy is not love and it will destroy any relationship it becomes involved in.

Demands are a real relationship killer, you can not demand change from anyone, the only one who can effect a change is the person themselves and they have to want to make that change. You may support them in their efforts, encourage them when they fail or become disheartened but if you demand a change it will only create hostility and resentment.

Other "D" words that can kill and lead to divorce are demeaning and degrading your mate.

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