Can Being Too Involved Bite You in the Butt?

When my husband (then fiance') and I moved in together prior to marriage (oh the shame!), I felt that although he spent time with his children and provided for them financially, he and his children would benefit from spending more quality time together. I explained to him how, although it is often over looked, his daughters' relationship with him would have an effect on their future relationships, especially with men. I love children, and his were young (1, 3, and 4 years old), and I formed a close bond with them. Their mother is not very "maternal" (and I'm not biased, remember I think that his other ex is a good mom) and they seemed to be starved for attention and affection. I would ask if they could come over whether my husband had to work or not. I bought them toys, clothes, took them to the park, and generally had a ball with them! I even encouraged my husband to get "Mother's Day" cards for both of his exes even though one of the relationships was extremely strained. All was at peace in the world!

Something bad (disclaimer-This information is not representative of all step family interactions) happens when the children become attached to the step-mom. In my case, jealousy reared its ugly little head (Or was that the biological mom? In that case it was a big head!) The kids started getting spanked by their mom for having completely normal conversations with me and their dad, like what her mom does for a recurring case of vomiting. They were told not to ask to speak to me on the telephone when they called our home. Also, and worst of all, their mom started telling them hurtful things, such as, "They don't really love you!" and "They don't do nothing for you!" This caused the kids to begin to act differently around me, and although you may genuinely love your step-babies, it is very difficult to sway a young child's thinking away from the thinking of their mom.

I have wondered if some of the dramatic events that have occurred between us and the biological mom, where caused by my encouragement of my husband to seek the children out even more. Although that sounds like a positive thing, it gave the biological mother more opportunities to hear about the good things that were going on in our household and see some of these things for herself. Encouraging him to be overly nice (giving cards) may have intensified her unresolved feelings, making her even more angry at the lack of a relationship. What I've learned to do is encourage my husband to be a good dad (he doesn't need much of that) and derive my relationship from his relationship with the children, instead of being so gung-ho about forging my own (at least at this point). This allows me to meet them at a level that they are comfortable with. I realize that they are children and that they need to be comfortable within their primary environment (their mom's home), which means not encouraging them to openly defy her and reap the consequences. This has been wonderful for me, because it let me get off of the emotional roller coaster. I make sure that my stepchildren know that they have a family here that loves them, and that their dad, their little sister, and me, are here for them. I hope that this will make them emotionally healthy in the long run!

Learn more about this author, Cora Lynn.
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