It's difficult to face the "mirror" when you think there's a possibility that you may be abusive. Abuse isn't always blatant...beating someone with a 2 x 4 or pushing someone against the wall. It can be a pattern of being controlling and verbally and emotionally attacking the other, slowly creeping into the relationship.

If you have to question whether you are abusive, there's a good possibility you have a problem, if patterns have been formed.

Questions to ask yourself:

1. Do you make fun of your partner and excuse yourself by saying "it's just a joke" - even worse...get mad because they are hurt and don't understand your "joke"?

2. Do you try to isolate your partner from friends and family, possibly convincing them that you are the only one that loves them?

3. Do you place blame on your partner for everything you do wrong or everything that goes wrong around you?

4. Do you become verbally or physically volatile with trivial things? Does your temper flare up very easily?

5. Do you tell your partner what they can wear, where they can go, attempting to control their every move?

6. Do you use manipulation to get your way, possibly to the point of threatening bodily harm to them or yourself or threaten to break up?

7. Do you always have to have your way, unwilling to negotiate or show respect towards your partner's desires and feelings?

8. Do you downplay physical attacks? Do you tell your partner that you didn't mean to hit them or it wasn't THAT hard?

9. Do you try to force your partner into sex, alcohol, drugs or anything that they don't want to do?

10. Do you create an atmosphere that is so controlling your partner is afraid to be themselves?

11. Do you find yourself switching from the devil himself to Mr. Charming and full of "I'm sorrys" AFTER you've abused your partner?

12. Do you convince yourself that your partner is hard to please and nothing you do is good enough, when the fact is - you are mistreating them?

There are many underlying reasons a person becomes abusive. The abuser gains false power by manipulating and mistreating their victims, feeling superior. This is a coward's way of gaining power. Maybe you are a victim of abuse and are continuing the cycle by abusing others. Be the true hero and seek help and heal the wounds before you destroy yourself and those around you.

Learn more about this author, Kathy D.
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