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When you forgive someone, you release that person from a debt. This allows a broken relationship to begin the mending process. Without forgiveness, time spent in that person's presence produces either guilt or bitterness. Over the span of months and years, the strong feelings produced by not forgiving can cause health problems.

There are several steps to forgiveness. First, you must identify your rancor toward the person. It does not matter if you believe the ill feelings are deserved or undeserved. If you bristle when his name is mentioned, when he walks into the room, or when he speaks to you or anyone else for that matter, you have bitterness toward that person.

Then you must consider if the person knows through your words, actions, or body language that you have those feelings toward him. Your next course of action depends upon your answer to this question: Does he know I have a problem with him?

If your resentment is known, then you must swallow a little pride. You must go to that person and ask for forgiveness for treating her in an unpleasant way. Don't try to justify your resentment with "But if you hadn't..." Remember, you are seeking reconciliation with her. Many times, if pressed to explain what sparked the resentment, you may not even remember.

If the person is not aware that you are upset with him, resolve in your heart that as long as it depends upon you, you will live in peace with him. You do that by weighing the incident that caused the feelings against the rest of eternity. Is holding a grudge about it worth the anger and pain it causes? Do you want to live that way for the rest of your life? What if that person were to die tomorrow? Would you want the exercise of your anger and pain to be the last memory of your time with that person?

Then forget it. Bury it deep and never dredge it up in your memory again. That means that if the person should do the same thing over again, you will refuse to layer that offense on top of the old wound. Forgiveness allows old wounds to heal without scars to serve as bitter reminders of past injuries.

Remember, with abusive relationships you should forgive the abuser but do not allow the abuse to continue. Do what is necessary to remain safe.

Unforgiveness is the cancer of the soul. It must be treated when it first appears before it becomes so large that it causes permanent irreparable damage to you or the person you have not forgiven.

Learn more about this author, Sandra Petersen.
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