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Terrorists are not the only fear mongers in the U.S. these days. No, this new group of fear mongers is much more sinister, and it does its job just by constantly reminding us of what we really don't want to hear: They tell us that it is not safe. But unlike terrorists who seem to want us to change our ways, but probably wouldn't be happy if we did because then they'd have nothing to be terrorists about, this other group has an even sinister ulterior motive, and an equally obvious reason why they will never stop. They want us to buy things.

If you turn on the TV and I did the following experiment during a two-week period you will receive 75 percent or more fear tactics from normal programming and television commercials. I say "or more" because I'm leaving out the "Can you hear me now? Good!" commercials as potentials rather than part of my count. If you don't buy the right brand of toothpaste, your teeth will fall out. If you don't buy a car today, you will end up paying much more for one later. If you miss the President's Day Sale, you will end up not only missing out on great savings, but you will be unpatriotic, and I'm assuming Bush will then consider you "against us" rather than "with us."

During the news last week, I was told that sugar-free drinks were going to kill me, but water was okay; then water treated with chlorine would kill me; then alternatives to water were unhealthy because of the substitutes they utilize in their treatment; and then right at the end of the week I was told that if I drank too much water, I would collapse and die, even if it was the healthiest water of all time. On the same program, I watched a news program advisory of how you should drain your water cooler to avoid complications, and then a reporter come on with a totally unrelated story and talked about how someone was injured, possibly fatally, because of trying to work on his own water cooler. I'm not kidding about this.

I'm not even sure we need terrorists anymore, because I'm already scared. I mean, I used to feel safe in my house, but my house brings in all sorts of signals designed to provide even more fear, and I haven't figured out a way to deal with this. I remember when someone stole my bicycle. The police officer who responded informed me in a really bizarre conversation that it happened all the time, and that I was pretty much responsible because the lock I had was not strong enough. The fact that the entire bike rack had been removed didn't seem to make any impact at the time of the conversation. Needless to say, I'm scared to buy another bike because even if I have the greatest lock of all time, someone's probably going to steal the entire bike rack itself again.

These days, I'm scared to turn on my television because the network commercial is going to inform me that if I don't watch the next episode of The Apprentice, I'm most definitely going to die. Instead, I'm sitting in my apartment in the dark, convinced that someone is coming to steal my stuff, armed with jugs of instant death, chlorine treated water. Granted, I don't have anything worth stealing, but I'm defending my Tickle Me Elmo doll to the very end.

Learn more about this author, Duane Gundrum.
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