by Linda Steinbiser

Created on: August 19, 2007

I am talking with my son, wanting to know if he is being treated okay, does he need anything, is there anything I can do? He is on one side of a window talking through a phone to me on the other side. He is in jail with 3 felonies and 2 misdemeanors. I just found out he was there and had demanded the sheriff let me see him even though it was not visitors' day. Toward the end of my 15 minute stay, I realize I am angry. He asks me what is wrong. I tell him I am angry at myself because I am sitting on the outside, having done nothing, and feel guilt, so heavy it feels like I weigh a ton.

I am his mother. He was not in there because he wasn't taught better but because he chose to do wrong anyway. He was way over 21, had graduated, been in the Army, held down a job. It was his decision, so why am I sitting there feeling guilt?

Years before that, my middle son was killed by a hit and run driver who left him in the road like an animal. She said she was going to do it. He was totally drunk. He knew she didn't like him. So she hides for 2 days for the drugs to leave her system, then turns herself in. After all of that, I am the one that feels guilty. There should have been something I could have done to stop it. He was 21. This was his choice, not mine. He was old enough to make that decision.

My granddaughter was 5 months old and my grandson was 14 months old Christmas of 2005. She was in her walker and he was on the floor crying. She worked her way over to him and patted his head and tried to give him a kiss.

I screamed! "Oh my God! She's doing it! At 5 months old, she realizes that it is her responsibility to make him quit crying! It is born into us to feel guilt that someone else is unhappy!"

Is this part of the curse put on us when Eve ate of the fruit? To feel responsible for everyone else's feelings while they hardly notice that we are there? My daughter and I just looked at each other. What were we seeing? What had we discovered?

As babies we are told that we are bad...for whatever reason, be it dumping our milk or dumping our toys all over the floor. It is repeated forever in our heads that we are bad when we do what someone else feels is wrong.

And as women, we are stuck between understanding our husband's wishes and the wishes of our children. We are always in the middle. And we are always taught that as a female, we are to make everything alright. We are guilty if we cannot fulfill that requirement.

Mother's guilt is the worst. Whoever made up the lie that once they are through school and out of the house, you don't have to worry anymore is a liar of all time. The worry becomes worse because they do more than they did when at home. And every time they do something wrong, you will be the one to feel the guilt.

Do I have an answer for this? Well, yes. But not one that is as easy as it sounds. And that is just to realize that you taught them to do right and this is their decision. I am sure somewhere guilt for mothers is in our DNA. It has to be.

Learn more about this author, Linda Steinbiser.
Click here to send this author comments or questions.