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"Defeatist Talk"

Looks like they were right about me
"Poor white trash," they say
I feel it today
Cast aside and useless
Just throw me in the bin
Pile me up and burn me
Crush me into a little cube
Leave me to rot in the dump
Who was I to go to school
With no money and no direction?
Who was I to think
I deserved more than what I was given?

Okay, so I had no money
But I had a little direction

I wasn't sure what I wanted to be
I just knew I wanted to be more
I wanted to walk down a street
Keeping my head held high
Knowing that I wasn't garbage
And I wasn't poor

I have my head just above water
One nature fighting another
The woman struggling to be
And not drown in self-pity

I thought things were going well
But once again I felt like a loser
And once again, I got defeated by myself
And I'm scared and crying
And I'm getting sick of trying
To prove to people that I'm not what they see
But everywhere I go, I see those eyes,
And I feel like the world is judging me

I'm not always alone, but I feel that way sometimes
I defeat myself, and no one wins
My subconscious and conscious minds always at war
Leaving me a wreck inside and out

I'm sorry-I can't answer right away
I can't tell you what you want to hear
I can't be who you want me to be
I can't even be what I want me to be
Because, honestly, I don't know
I don't think I've ever known
I think I was so bent not being something
That I never really articulated that desire

I hate feeling like this,
My heart and soul at war
Spilling over into everything I do
Tainting the joy that I did have

I stand to lose everything because I am not enough
I cry out to God, but I don't know if I'm doing it right
Maybe I haven't begged for forgiveness enough
Maybe He's punishing me for not going to church
Or living with a man without being legally married
Though we think, act, and behave as though we are
Maybe I envy too much
Maybe I ask for pity

I'd like God to have mercy on me
I'm a sinner, sure, but so is everyone else
And it seems like the blatant sinners
And the people who mock God
Are the ones who have prosperity
And never have to worry about a thing
And have people love them
Even when they treat others like shit

Please have mercy, Lord
I don't want people to be right about me
I don't want to hear, "stupid, poor white trash,"
And know that that's who and what I am

If that's who I am,
(I'm not, but we'll play)
If I'm poor white trash
(Only for today)
Just crush me into a ball
And throw me away.

Learn more about this author, Rebecca Oaks.
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