by C. J. Sangoi

Created on: August 17, 2007

With a triumphant cry, you point your finger at the person you once swore to love honour and cherish, through sickness and in health, and proclaim, "You killed our marriage!"

As a person with one failed marriage in my past, I sometimes wish that it could have been as easy as that. That there would have been a checklist to help me know that my marriage was not to be saved.

However, things are not that black and white, not that simple. Yes, there are certain events and behaviours on the parts of both people in a marriage that may kill it but it tends to depend on how strong and honest the original bond between them was.

After all, if a foundation is sound, one can rebuild.

All that being said, here is my checklist of red flags. If you see a lot of these red flags and do not address them, then I think that such events may accumulate and kill your marriage.

#1 - Distrust: Whether or not there is a factual cause for feeling distrustful of your spouse, if the feeling is there it will fester and it is natural for people to want to believe that they are right in any and all situations so you may find yourself mentally keeping score of things that prove your feelings of distrust.

#2 - Lack of communication: My mother always told me to never go to bed angry and I believe in that. You need to communicate honestly about how you are feeling with your spouse. Use "I statements" rather than starting off with an accusatory "You made me feel..." and if you are having a disagreement, resolve it. You may need to take a temporary time out to calm down but be sure you've come to some sort of agreement before you go to sleep because unresolved disagreements flow through the body of your relationship like slow-acting poison.

#3 - Deception: If you are going to lie to your spouse or just lie by omission and worse still, cheat on your spouse, there is no hope for your marriage because honesty is the key to keeping one's heart open and dishonesty locks it. Without true love, the heart withers and the marriage dies.

#4 - The accumulation of all the "little things": He never picks up his dirty laundry, or she never unloads the dishwasher. Things like that, that you may feel isn't worth talking about can add up and one day you will list every single "little thing" and it will be like a bomb going off.

#5 - The family budget: No matter who is handling the money, there can often be a real disconnect between spouses on fair distribution of the "fun" money. And this can be an issue if both spouses

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