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Environmental Tips for the Criminally Insane

The next time you have a corpse to dispose of, bury it somewhere with acidic soil and cover the body with plenty of quicklime. The organic material from the guy you killed combined with the calcium oxide of the lime will both nurture the soil and raise its pH, making it more conducive to plant growth

When writing long, rambling letters to celebrities you're obsessed with, news journalists who've slandered you, or family members of people you've kidnapped, use both sides of the paper

The next time you're walking out of a concert screaming at the top of your lungs and encounter someone handing out flyers for some other show even somebody as nuts as you would never attend, take them back to your place and force feed them all those papers, then make them stand out in the garden until they poop it out so it might someday be reincarnated as a new tree

The next time a store clerk insists on putting your pack of gum into a big plastic bag for "security reasons", follow them home and set their house on fire

Instead of just demanding money in your next ransom note, demand the family you're addressing it to install solar panels on their house

Reduce purchases in general, think before you buy any product do you really need that new ax, or could you get a lot more chopping mileage out of the one you already own by spending a few minutes sharpening it?

Instead of promoting waste by trashing all your victims' personal possessions, sell them or donate them to charity

Use a handsaw instead of a chainsaw to dismember your victims. You'll not only save gas and reduce pollution; you'll get some great exercise

Stop junk mail. Every time you receive a piece of unsolicited mail, send a picture of a butchered corpse to the return address with a note that reads This will be you if you don't stop sending me this crap, tree killer"

Make your home tree-free: Instead of using roll after roll of paper towels to soak up those puddles of blood around your place, use cloth rags that you can wash and re-use

Learn more about this author, Aleister Pinkbelly.
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